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I woke up at eight o'clock in the morning, angry. I just opened my eyes and thought, 'This sucks. What the hell am I doing awake at eight o'clock in the morning? And why am I in this phone booth?'
I put on my favorite winter jacket for the first time the other day, and as soon as I put my hands in those pockets, I was immediately reminded that last year I didn't have any money, either.
Can't wait 'til the fall comes around, I'm going to go out and throw the football -- once. Then, I'm going to run back inside before I freeze to death. I'm not even going to go get it. I'm going to throw it and run right back in the house.
You ever say the wrong thing? Like maybe you pass someone you know on the street, unexpectedly, and as you go by, you're trying to play it cool, but you screw it up? And you accidentally answer the question that you thought they were going to ask...
While we were eating, there was a couple on the other side of the restaurant having a fight. It was a huge fight; it was a blowout. They were screaming at each other. When the woman finally got up and stormed out, I noticed that the man didn't go after her, so I did.
We walked up to the podium, and I said to the girl behind the podium, I said, 'We would like a table, please.' And she said, 'I'm sorry, sir, there are no tables available right now. You'll have to go in the waiting room and wait.' So, we went in...
You walk one block in Manhattan in July, you smell a hundred different smells that could down a horse.
The thing I hate the most about the subway is every time I get off the train and I'm trying to get out of the station and back up to the street, I end up getting stuck behind these really slow people on the stairs. It happens to me every time I...
I think the first thing I'm going to do when I get back upstairs after the show is tear off my wife's underwear. And I'll tell you why -- because they are crushing my balls.
How is she not going to know? I'm going to roll in at five o'clock in the morning, smelling like exotic plants, no money in my pockets, glitter all over me. The second I walk through the door, she's going to go, 'You went to a strip club.' What...
So the rule is, if you screw up just one too many job interviews, you become a stand-up comedian.
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