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They got a restaurant called Hungry Jack's, but I didn't feel comfortable eating there. How good could it be? The guy who owns the restaurant is hungry. If it was called Fat Happy F**king Well-Contented Jack's, I'd eat there. But I wouldn't bring...
For years and years, Arj Barker was high on life, but eventually, I built up a tolerance.
Can you imagine if you had a pair of shoes that you could only walk in? That could be kind of limiting under certain circumstances. 'Everybody get outta here! There's a swarm of bees coming!' What? Oh great, I got my walking shoes on today. I guess I better stroll the hell out of here at a moderate pace.
I was actually in my car today, and I was just driving, and I noticed a guy on the sidewalk holding a cardboard sign that said, 'Where will you spend eternity?'. And that kind of freaked me out because I was on my way to the DMV.
She said I was moving too fast... I think it was a nice gesture to give her flowers on the first date. Perhaps the 'Bless This Family' plaque could have waited.
I'm coming back. And when I get back, then we'll be together forever -- forever and ever and ever -- until death. Even beyond -- beyond death: two souls enmesh as one soul! One soul floating for all of eternity in the great abyss, the aftermath,...
You don't just get a computer to get online. You gotta get other stuff. You better get a modem, or you're not getting on anything. You gotta get a monitor, that's what I found out. You gotta get a mouse. You gotta get a mouse pad. You gotta get a sperm guard for your keyboard.
He said, 'Arj, if you're having trouble with www.arjbarker.com, don't call me. You consult the Webmaster.' I said, 'Fine.' So, I called Spiderman.
I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.
I quit because I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it -- like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.
You know the little camel on the pack of cigarettes? They just found out that's not even a camel. It's actually a horse with a big, old tumor growing out of its mouth.
I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad -- say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea -- it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise:...
I just got a car, and I gotta say, this car is very cryptic. The very first day I drove it, a light came on out of nowhere: 'Check engine.' Could they be any more vague? What if a light came on and said, 'Problem'?
I love New York, though I'll never eat any of the ice creams that they sell in the park. That's just disgusting. You see the little picture of them? They all have a little bite taken out of them already.
All I knew about Ireland before I went there was what I learned from watching soap commercials all my life. I was totally misinformed. I thought it was an Irish tradition where you don't even take a shower with your soap -- you take your soap for...
I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! 'Cause this is America and around here - Katmandon't.
Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets -- unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel. Then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.
I'm thinking of switching banks, and my friend said, 'Well, what's wrong with Citibank?' Well, they can't spell 'city.' I hope their math is better than their English is.
There are so many types of shoes. There's so many categories, and I really have no idea what type of shoe I need at any given time. And I go in there -- I find it a little bit overwhelming. 'Welcome to the shoe store! What are you looking for? Are...
Now I have a fax machine. I never had one before, and I might have to admit, I'm excited to use it. But the problem is, I don't really have anything to fax. I mean, take a good look at me. Do I look like I have any documents that need to be somewhere in a hurry?
