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The first book I'd bring with me would be a big, plastic inflatable book, and the second one would be 'How to Make Oars out of Sand.'
A person has sex 2,581 times in his or her life. That's an awful lot of sex. That means I have an awful lot of catching up to do.
If you expect a kick in the balls and you get a slap in the face, then it's a victory.
I guarantee it -- if you go deep into the heart of the Amazon jungle, you will stumble upon a tribe of previously undiscovered Irish people with sticks and tin whistles and big, hairy ears, whose only words are 'Ah, go on, you'll have a drink. You'll have one.'
Running is never fun. Running is something you do when there's a man chasing you with a knife.
The thing I love about it is its diversity. I never knew there were so many ways to say, 'f**k you.'
I saw a sign on the side of the road the other day that said, 'Tiredness can kill.' I didn't know that. Last Saturday, I stayed up all night watching movies. I could have died.
Surely, there must be a more dignified way to express your love and admiration for another human being -- like baking them a cake or something, or just leaving them alone for a while.
There are two types of people in the world: there are those who have lots of casual sex with strangers -- and there's jealous people.
She said, 'Where are you from?' And I said I was Irish. And she said to me, 'Oh you're Irish, are you? You'll be needing this.' And she left the drinks trolley down beside me.
And there's a reason for this, why men experience pain more acutely than women -- that's because there's always part of a woman's brain thinking about shoes.
I think there should be a Spanish-style siesta in this country -- from about half 11 in the morning until Thursday.
Now, where I come from, when you get a prescription for antibiotics, you don't say, 'Will it work? Will there be any side effects?' No, it's 'Will I be able to drink with these?'
Jokes Tagged:
health (734),
alcohol (428),
ethnic (427),
drugs (179),
culture (67),
Ardal O'Hanlon (15)
There's such a great emphasis, here in the United States, on looking good and feeling good -- usually at an enormous expense to your personality.
Jokes Tagged:
insults (1620),
health (734),
lookin' good (489),
America (72),
culture (67),
Ardal O'Hanlon (15)
The best way to smuggle drugs into a country is to place them carefully in a dog's bottom... because at the airport, if the sniffer dog suspects anything, the officials will think they're just being frisky... unless of course your dog wears sunglasses and sweats a lot.
Jokes Tagged:
animals (947),
international affairs (349),
travel (277),
laws (214),
drugs (179),
Ardal O'Hanlon (15)
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