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They had a sign, and it said, 'Do not allow your dog to chase, injury or worry wildlife.' I understand the chasing and injuring part, but how is a dog going to 'worry' wildlife? Dog's going to run up to a bird: 'Hey, I think you've got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.'
The motto of my comedy workshop is 'If I can't make you funny, well then maybe you're not. Did you ever think of that?'
I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.
I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.
My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging -- that's my two choices, right there.
If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept; you invented it.
I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on -- the summer or something like that -- but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.
I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?'
I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this....
Here's a way to break up an astrological love-fest: you just stick your head in the middle of the people and go, 'Uh, you know, Hitler was a Sagittarius.'
I don't want to compare the Republicans to Nazis. I'm just saying, Dick Cheney would have had a nice time in Nazi Germany.
It's the same thing every week -- every week. What do you think's going to happen? Oh, that guy's got a unibrow. You think they're going to talk about that? He's got cinder block bookshelves. You think that's going to come up?
You know what's ironic is that I am against the death penalty, and yet, my porno name is Lethal Injection. Isn't that weird?
Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex -- watch them file out.
Republicans are just rich, old, white people -- that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people -- six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt...
Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover -- we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and...
Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.
Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.
I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember -- I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.
I was in Philadelphia -- a very angry town, Philadelphia. I've never seen a town like this. It's supposed to be the City of Brotherly Love -- like when my brother was 12 and I was nine, and he would lean on my shoulder and dangle spit in my face.
