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Alabama: At Least We're Not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't...
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't...
Jokes Tagged:
America (72)
-- a pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.
-- there are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
-- Sick people must walk to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy...
-- there are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
-- Sick people must walk to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy...
Jokes Tagged:
America (72)
Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.
If I was in charge, I would not have the Olympics in our country anymore. Don't let the whole world come here and see our stuff. It just pisses them off.
When I go to other countries... I sort of think of myself as an ambassador insofar as I don't want to be a typical American douchenozzle. And getting thrown out of the Anne Frank house, that's it -- I mean, you've won the douchenozzle sweepstakes.
How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, 'How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.'
People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.
They're hard on Americans, though, man. They heckle you in England as an American for things you have no idea -- 'Screw you and the Panama Canal Treaty of 1874!'
The Super Bowl this year was kind of interesting because they ran three and a half or four hours of 'A Salute to America,' brought to us by the NFL. So by the time they were kicking off, I was actually sick of freedom; I pined to be enslaved.
I've seen the end of the universe, and it happens to be in the United States and, oddly enough, it's in Houston, Texas. I know -- I was shocked, too. Imagine my surprise when I left a comedy club one day and walked to the end of the block, and...
To every race of people in here tonight that whitey has jacked up, I sincerely apologize -- for taking your land, for the abuse, for the torture, for the small pox blanket, for the Jim Crow laws. Black people, I apologize for Kramer.
We're the greatest country on Earth except when it comes to getting sh*t done.
I want to take one of those English as a Second Language courses -- just go in and blow everybody away on the first day.
We have more food in our gas stations than they have in all of Bosnia. It's true. Our motto should be 'America: never more than 50 feet from a snack.'
We are the fattest nation on the planet. You know we're obsessed with food when we come up with something called cotton candy. Who was so hungry they thought, 'I wish I could eat my clothes'?
Of all the people there are least of, we are the biggest of that group.
It's sad to think about it, but let's face it -- the average American wouldn't know how to question authority if it was on the other end of a knock-knock joke.
I think our country doesn't want us free; I think they want us sedated. You know, so we don't notice things -- like who's running it.
If you're not sure who is a terrorist in this country, they've really helped us out to figure it out. If you go to the website of the Department of Homeland Security, they'll give you some hints. First thing you want to look for is pregnant women,...
