-- a pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance. -- there are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. -- Sick people must walk to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy...
If I was in charge, I would not have the Olympics in our country anymore. Don't let the whole world come here and see our stuff. It just pisses them off.
When I go to other countries... I sort of think of myself as an ambassador insofar as I don't want to be a typical American douchenozzle. And getting thrown out of the Anne Frank house, that's it -- I mean, you've won the douchenozzle sweepstakes.
How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, 'How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.'
They're hard on Americans, though, man. They heckle you in England as an American for things you have no idea -- 'Screw you and the Panama Canal Treaty of 1874!'
The Super Bowl this year was kind of interesting because they ran three and a half or four hours of 'A Salute to America,' brought to us by the NFL. So by the time they were kicking off, I was actually sick of freedom; I pined to be enslaved.
I've seen the end of the universe, and it happens to be in the United States and, oddly enough, it's in Houston, Texas. I know -- I was shocked, too. Imagine my surprise when I left a comedy club one day and walked to the end of the block, and...
To every race of people in here tonight that whitey has jacked up, I sincerely apologize -- for taking your land, for the abuse, for the torture, for the small pox blanket, for the Jim Crow laws. Black people, I apologize for Kramer.
We are the fattest nation on the planet. You know we're obsessed with food when we come up with something called cotton candy. Who was so hungry they thought, 'I wish I could eat my clothes'?
It's sad to think about it, but let's face it -- the average American wouldn't know how to question authority if it was on the other end of a knock-knock joke.
If you're not sure who is a terrorist in this country, they've really helped us out to figure it out. If you go to the website of the Department of Homeland Security, they'll give you some hints. First thing you want to look for is pregnant women,...