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They said the darker you were, you know, you were further away from the slave house. I learned that! The light-skinned people, they say, there was some mixing going on. Man, my family was so dark, we were two feet from freedom! We didn't even know there was a house on the plantation.
You ever go into a store, and they're watching you? Watching you. White people stealing stuff -- walking out with couches, refrigerators, TVs -- and all we want is a paper.
I'm sweating like a black man on 'Jeopardy.'
I've been walking for a half a mile -- I'm tired. I'm looking at a car that's running with the keys in it. My first impression was 'Lord, I said make a way.' I thought that was the Lord's way of saying, 'A.J., get in and ride!'
I like a big butt, though. I like a butt so big you can sit a clock radio and a drink on it.
Homeless people here are different. You ever notice that? Our homeless people are serious, man. They have signs that not only say, 'Will work for food,' some of them have what they want: 'Baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet potato pie, sour chives.'
I don't even trust condoms. I use trash bags and duct tape.
They don't treat the black people right. In our neighborhoods, they don't have banks -- they have check cashing.
Cats are cool because you don't have to buy them. You see them on the street, take them home -- they're yours. You ain't never seen a cat being bought out of a pet store. They just sit in the pet store. They're under there like, 'Meow,' and you be...
When you were in the gang then, you just had to look cool, just walk around and look like you were tough. Someone started talking about fighting -- 'No, man, I've got to go home.'
You seen white people goin, 'Oh, how ya doin', Bob? Ah, no I.D. with me today. No, I forgot my I.D. Just go ahead --$5,000.' Brothers be at the bank -- he's got his birth certificate, social security card, his lotto tickets, his pictures his kid...
I'm tired of people saying all black people look alike. We don't all look alike. Ain't it funny how they always say we all look alike until we go cash a check? Then we don't look like nobody.
We need to just understand saying 'I love you' to your mom and dad because you only get one mom -- and two or three dads.
We were watching this commercial on television. Commercial said, 'If you're having problems with your mama whipping you, call this 800 number.' I called that number. My mama answered the phone.
You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don't know. And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'. '
Didn't you like those old shows, like 'Tarzan'? Remember 'Tarzan'? Story about a white guy who grew up in a predominantly black neighborhood?
My mama was so cheap, she waited 'til after Christmas. 'Baby, Santa Claus missed our house. I called him, and he coming back tomorrow.' She was waiting for the stuff to go on sale.
My mom was the kind that'd send us to church but didn't go... She'd give us scripture and didn't even know it. She just made up books. ''Cause in the Book of Ricky, it says you should give your mama five percent of your gross income.'
I'm a vegetarian. We worshipped animals when we were growing up 'cause my mother was a cow. I'm kidding -- my father loves that joke.
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