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When I go to events and concerts, there's a lot of people that yell 'Woo!' or 'Yeah!' when they like something. I like to be more specific when I yell things out. I like to, like -- when I'm at a concert I like to yell out things like: 'The way you play your music makes me feel good inside!'
Now, I'd like to do a few characters, if I can. This first character I've been working on is called The Timid Pimp, and he's on the phone with one of his hookers. Here we go: The Timid Pimp -- 'Um, hi, Amber? Hi, it's Marcus. Yeah, I can hold.'
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.
Three years ago, my sister was diagnosed with multiple personalities, and there's nothing funny about that. But she phoned me the other day, and my caller ID exploded.
It's really hard for me to perform tonight, and I'll tell you why -- four years ago to this very date, I decided to take my own life. And I said, 'Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and your manager at work. End the misery.' I don't know how...
I want to do another reality show based on 'The Mole,' but it's really about STDs -- sexually transmitted diseases -- and it's called, 'God, I Hope That's a Mole.'
Growing up my dad was like, 'Zach, it's not what you say, it's how you say it.' And he's so right. Take this, for instance: She had a crack-baby vs. she had a crack, baby.
I'm Greek, and I have sinus problems. And I know why: my body produces feta cheese. It's not really a joke; it's just a fact.
Guys, have you ever woken up with an erection, and then you realize you're just in a massage chair in a Brookstone?
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