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Shelia is an actress. She spends $40 three times a week for jazz classes at Alvin Ailey, $20 four times a week for technique classes at Sanford Meisner. How many lap dances at Scores will she have to do this weekend to balance her checkbook?
I went to the doctor last week and found out I have athlete's foot. No -- great news for me because in high school I was cut from the JV basketball team for not being athletic enough, and now, apparently, years later, we find out that I have a disease that only afflicts athletes.
As the concert unfolds, I realize this isn't really a concert, this is more of a magic show; that everything they do -- the pyrotechnics, the smoke, the costumes -- is designed to distract you from their set list. 'Cause your music is so marginal,...
So, I get 'The Book of Questions,' and I think it's a trivia book... I open it up: 'Would you give up the use of your limbs and the ability to urinate so the people of Chad could eat for a year?' Who gave me this? What is this? So then, I look in...
Somebody once said that laughter is the best medicine, and that was clearly written by a man that never tried Vicodin.
Jazz: it began in New Orleans and spread like a venereal disease across the United States.
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2379),
health (734),
gross-out (686),
music (107),
culture (67),
Wayne Federman (20)
I hate the people that work at the gym. I don't even know what they're talking about. They're like, 'Hey man, what are you gonna target today, your lats or your quads? What are you gonna work on, your delts?' 'I'm gonna work on getting laid. That's why I'm here. If you could just point me to that machine.'
I enjoy the fast food, I'll tell you that right now. My favorite of all the fast food restaurants -- it might be a little surprising -- the Bell, Taco Bell. I like the Bell for a couple of reasons: 1) the beautiful dining room; 2) I feel very wealthy ordering food at that restaurant.
I read in Cosmopolitan Magazine that men and women find satin sheets in bed very sexy, which is exactly why I am not going to be buying them. Because that's what I need in my bed is another thing that will make me ejaculate more quickly -- no thank you. No thank you, I'll just stick with the Smurf sheets.
When I was 15 years old, I got my learner's permit, which meant that the state of Florida was now obligating me to learn to drive with the two worst drivers in the world: my mom and my dad.
Jokes Tagged:
insults (1620),
family (349),
parenting (335),
growing up (259),
driving (241),
Wayne Federman (20)
I was at the Broadway Deli, eating. I saw this little kid turn to his mom and go, 'No, I don't want milk with the cookie. I'd rather f**king choke on it and die.'
At 19 miles, when most runners run out of steam and you hit what they call 'the wall,' is the exact moment you cross into the South Bronx. So here, they combine running and fleeing.
The carpool lane discriminates against the lonely. These peoples -- through no fault of their own -- don't have the social skills to make friends. OK, that's unfortunate, but what do we do as a society? We push them off to the right in this...
Everything you have on your car has a very specific function with the exception of one thing: the instrument panel dimmer switch. Why was this invented? Are people's eyes too sensitive for the five watt bulb behind the speedometer? It's like, 'Oh...
It was tough growing up in Florida because all my friends were retired.
It seems like I was always the last person picked for a sporting event. I don't know why that happened. It was so unfair. They take the two most popular kids; they get to be captains. We're in the third grade -- they're already getting laid.
If a girl lets me touch her, then I've won the pennant. And then, if I go all the way, that, of course, would be the World Series, and as you know, the World Series only comes around once a year. So -- you get an idea of where I was at. Of course,...
There's one food I won't eat, which is the hot dog at the movie theater, because I feel like there's no USDA preparation guidelines for this meat. They used to be impaled on spears rotating inside a Timex case. Suddenly, that's gone -- replaced by...
I don't like driving here in Los Angeles too much. I hate the left-hand turn arrow, especially, because it creates a very tense situation when we line up, waiting for that left arrow to turn from red to green. And it's fine for the person in the...
Everyone is chanting, 'We don't need no education.' I'm like, Oh yeah? Well, that's a double negative. That actually means you do need education. You're contradicting yourself.
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