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I did a benefit for a feminist organization. Now benefit means 'no money,' so I should be able to say what I want to say. And I figured if I pissed them off, who cares? What, they're going to get mad and pay me? So it's all feminists -- Gloria...
Comedy Central, they told me I had to watch my language because, the woman said, they had 'standards and practices.' I was like, wait a minute -- you're Comedy Central. Aren't you the network where your number one show is a cartoon with a talking piece of sh*t?
As soon as he turned pro and he won his first tournament, I read, 'Bi-racial golfer wins first tournament.' Oh, OK -- 50/50: he's 50% black, 50% Asian. Alright, cool. Then after he won the masters, I'm flipping through Sports Illustrated, and I...
They never want to hang out with us. You're like, 'Come on y'all, let's go hang out.' They're like, 'No, you know, we can't hang out. You know, we're going to stay here with the kids tonight. Yeah, you know, they're a lot of work, but they're...
Jokes Tagged:
kids (630),
money (431),
parenting (335),
travel (277),
friends (177),
Wanda Sykes (39)
I have nephews. They love spending time with us. T they love it because we let them do whatever they want to do -- they're not our kids, we don't care. 'Only thing I have to do is keep you alive, that's it.' They come visit us, man -- 'Oh what?...
That's proof right there that men and women are on different levels because men can watch two women together and that's a turn-on. It doesn't work the same way for us, does it, ladies? No, uh-uh -- it doesn't work the same. You ask any woman in...
He used to give me one rose, too. Watch out for the one rose givers. He used to say, 'This is one rose for you because you are one special lady.' Yeah, I fell for that mess. After a while, I was like, 'No, no, no, no -- this is one rose because you are one cheap bastard -- that's what THIS is.'
Whenever we go out, I pay all the tolls. Yeah -- he backs up to the tolls so the booth would be on my side.
I was visiting my brother earlier today, and he's childproofing his home. I didn't understand that. He's going around putting little covers over the electrical outlets and all that stuff, and I'm like, 'How the kids going to learn about electricity, huh?'
I was hanging out with my little nephew, and the kid -- he had a helmet, shoulder pads, knee pads, some shin guards, gloves. Talk about, 'I'm a go ride my bike.' I'm like, 'Where -- through a mine field?'
Every now and then, I like to give out some advice. Ladies -- don't laugh during the porno watchin'.
One night, we watchin' some porno, I just thought I'd joke around a little bit. So, I was like, 'Wow! Will you look at that? I have never seen a penis that big before in my life. Woo! He is huge. Hey, are they supposed to be that big?' And he was...
My neighbor, she invited me to an Elvis party. I told her I couldn't come 'cause I'd be too busy making fun of her from behind my blinds.
Man, if I spent $400 for a gun, I am shooting somebody. I am not letting a $400 gun go to waste. And I know me -- I get annoyed easily, you know, so I'm the wrong person to have a gun. I mean, I would shoot people in my house that I invited over. 'What'd you say? That was stupid. Let me go find my gun.'
The president is on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn't he just stick with his lie? You got to stick with your lie. If you lie, you have to believe that lie whole-heartedly. It has to become the truth for you. But this man,...
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2379),
men/women (1718),
news & politics (616),
Bill Clinton (73),
Wanda Sykes (39)
I'm not politically correct. I still say 'black,' I do. Because 'African American' -- there's no bonus; it's not going to make your life any easier. You don't see black people standing around going, 'Woo yeah, African American. Man, I tell you,...
Some black people want to get in touch with their African roots -- that's what they want to do, try and find their African roots. But then you got some black people that just don't give a damn. You tell them, 'Hey, I just got back from the mother...
That's what they want: two women. Fellas, I think that's a bit lofty. Because, come on, think about it -- if you can't satisfy that one woman, why do you want to piss off another one? Why have two angry women in the bed with you at the same time?...
They mess with your food, they do. They go 'Well Wanda, first we're gonna cut out all your carbs...' OK, wait a minute, hold up. Let me explain something to you. I've got this medical condition, and when you cut out my carbs -- my foot? Right up your ass.
I love my family but my family -- they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did when you were little. I was in the first grade Christmas play -- I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby...
