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They also tell you to fill your bathtub up with water so you'll have fresh drinking water. Apparently, these people never seen my bathtub. I'd drink gasoline before I'd drink anything out of there. Are you kidding? I got germs the size of turtles, for god's sake.
When I was a little boy, I wanted to be an astronaut. That was, like, my first dream in life. Whatever happened to childhood dreams like that, huh? How come this ain't a room full of ballerinas and firemen?
My parents are divorced. It was ugly. My parents argued all the time before they got divorced. Came home -- my parents started wearing their wedding rings on their middle fingers.
Food is terrible in England. That's no joke. If you go there, don't even bring a change of clothes -- wear what you got on and bring a suitcase full of sandwiches.
They're hard on Americans, though, man. They heckle you in England as an American for things you have no idea -- 'Screw you and the Panama Canal Treaty of 1874!'
Keep mixing the races until we're all the same grayish color -- then there'll be no more racism, once we're all the same shade, man. 'Hey, gray!' 'Who you callin' gray, gray?' And then we'll actually be able to hate someone for the person that they are.
Everybody should know what melanin is, man. I think that's where racism comes from. White people are jealous of people with melanin. Yes, that's where all the hatred started. It comes from thousands of years of white people getting sun burnt at the beach.
I'm ready to file. I'm going through the Yellow Pages trying to find someone to help me. I come across Christian Tax Services. Now, I believe in God, I believe in Jesus -- but when it comes to taxes, I want the lyingest, cheatingest scum on the planet to help me screw the government.
Love is powerful stuff, man. Love will make you move all the way across the country and sell all your sh*t -- just to get away from that person.
In America, all you ever get is the negative side of drinking: 'He got drunk and killed a busload of children.' Come on, man. It's time someone pointed out the good in alcohol. Drinking creates conversation, right? You gotta call people the next day and apologize to 'em.
A penguin has the same little penguin for a total little penguin life. Think how many screwed up relationships you've had, how many times you couldn't make it work -- a penguin can do it better than you can. Think about it, man. A penguin can look...
Whenever you're young and in school and they show you a picture of someone on drugs, he's always in an alley, mangled and screwed up, right? He's got one shoe on and leaves in his hair. They never show you the happy, naked, running through the park picture, man.
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