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Getting drunk is fun. Having your girlfriend get more drunk than you is not that much fun. Trying to get her in the car at the end of the night is like trying to get a toddler back in the car after a day at the carnival. 'Where are your shoes?...
I always thought I was going to have just one kid because if you have more than one, then you've got to decide which one you like better. That's always mean. It's true. Parents always lie about it. 'Oh, we like you all the same.' No, you don't....
Pet people have lost their minds. They used to be a nice part of society. Now, they get right in your face. If you don't like pets, they act like you're a monster. 'You don't like pets? You're so mean.' Really, I'm mean? I'm not the one keeping a...
The biggest thing about raising girls, it seems, is dispelling the whole princess myth. Everything they get is about being a princess: crowns and gowns and scepters. She's waiting for a prince. They don't exist. There's no guy out there with...
We have a newborn at home. God bless you ladies for getting pregnant more than once. You're insane. My wife's breasts quadrupled in size. They're F's -- D's are fun; F's are scary.
The only thing you have to focus on in your 20s is not getting a bad tattoo. You don't want to be 40 going, 'No dude, it was different back then. Everyone loved SpongeBob -- everyone.'
My wife wants to go away and swim with the dolphins now. How spoiled a society have we become that we're swimming with the dolphins? What -- are we all Roman emperors at this point? 'I feel like swimming. Get me a dolphin -- now! Yes, and put some sunglasses on him and a silly hat.'
You ever been on a bus, watching a guy run for it? You're not rooting for him. You don't want to see him make it. You want to see his arm go up, his ankle give out, and drop out of view -- because that's funny. It's fun watching other people suffer. It's evil, but it's funny.
You ever been on the highway, and your side's just cruising, no problem? The other side is backed up miles and miles in traffic. It's a good feeling, isn't it? I don't even enjoy the guy stuck in the middle as much as the guy who's 10 miles back who doesn't see it coming.
We're all disgusting when we sleep. Everyone in here -- different degrees, but you are disgusting. You ever see your old pillow without its pillow case? It looks like a bandage from the Civil War.
Find somebody you can tolerate. How about that? Just settle. They're settling for you; you settle for them. Find someone you can sleep next to without throwing up, and marry them.
I don't even know who I'm attracted to anymore. My wife thinks she knows my type. We'll see someone like Nicole Kidman on TV. 'Oh, you like her, don't you? You want to be with her.' Yeah, I do. You know who else I want to be with? Everybody else:...
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2384),
men/women (1724),
pop culture (779),
lookin' good (491),
marriage (359),
Tom Papa (30)
It was an arranged marriage, put together by drugs and alcohol.
They always say they want to get back at Americans by blowing up the subways. Have you been in the subways? There's hardly an American down there.
You do things in a hotel you would never think about doing in your own home. As soon as that door shuts, pants come off. Drop stuff on the floor -- I ain't picking that crap up.
Vagina? That sounds like something you call in sick with.
You've never seen a cat have sex. Nobody has. The Discovery Channel hasn't caught that.
Hard alcohol is the only thing you put in your body that actually comes with a story. It's like, 'You want some tequila?' 'No, dude, the last time I had that....' It doesn't happen with anything else. 'Do you want some jelly beans?' 'No. The last...
They basically look around, they're like, 'Alright, life is a game. I obviously have no chance of winning. I quit; I'm not playing anymore. You get dressed up and go to work everyday? Fine. I put peanut butter on my lips and talk to squirrels.'
There's a guy in my neighborhood, he spray paints his whole car all these different colors, fills the inside up with empty coke bottles to the roof. He drives around -- his head looks like a hairy prize inside a gumball machine. What's on his...
