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Let's say Brad Pitt hasn't showered in a year and a half, then he runs the Boston marathon. After he comes across the finish line, he trips and falls into a giant pile of pig sh*t. Me, on the other hand, I've taken a shower; I've put some lovely...
They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you attach to your book. You know, I actually thought about buying one of these, and then I remembered, I own a lamp.
I discovered a great store this past holiday season: The Body Shop. Oh my God, that is the perfect last minute thoughtless gift warehouse.
This friend of mine told me to get Quicken for my computer. He's like, 'Todd, you gotta get Quicken. Look man, I make graphs of my finances.' Wow. If I am reading this pie graph correctly, looks like you spent half of last year's salary on the...
Some guys go crazy with the masturbation. I was reading this article on this thing, autoerotic asphyxiation. Some guys actually choke themselves with a belt while they're doing it. I read like 800 men a year die from doing this. I was like, 'No...
I was at a bar with a friend of mine. This woman walks by, and he goes, 'I know that woman. She gives the world's fastest hand jobs.' I don't know -- maybe if she gives the world's best, you can fill me in. I don't need to know about the cheetah of the hand job kingdom.
Those Grammy Awards, man, it's always famous bands that win those. You never see some poor, struggling, unknown, garage band. That'd be nice -- 'And the album of the year goes to The Cheesewillies. They couldn't make it here tonight because their...
I can understand no wallets at Old Navy, but no ties? What am I supposed to wear with my mock-ribbed turtleneck and purple camouflage cargo pants? I've got a funeral to go to.
I did a show in Pittsburgh. A woman runs up to me after the show, all smiling, and she's like, 'Oh my God, you were so much funnier live than you were on Comedy Central.' And I just wanted to say to her, 'You know, I bet your comments are better televised.'
I just got a new apartment, people. You guys can all come stay. Twenty-three bedroom apartment, seriously. Every bedroom has a baby grand piano in it. Sitting next to the baby grand piano, I swear to God, a regular size grand piano. Architectural...
You ever have sex with someone you don't know that well? They're gonna spend the night; they ask if you'll set an alarm: 'Hey can you set an alarm? I gotta wake up for work.' 'I could, but that alarm's gonna wake me up, also. They don't sell an...
I'm a Jewish guy. Saw another Jewish guy on the street wearing a pink yarmulke. I walk closer, not only was it a pink yarmulke, it was made to look like a slice of watermelon. I think if God is so easygoing he tolerates your summer fun pink watermelon yarmulke, he'd probably be cool with no yarmulke.
People ask me all the time, 'Todd, when you're on the road at these comedy clubs, do you hit on the waitresses?' People, I'm a professional, and I have a policy. I will not hit on the wait staff until every opportunity in the audience has been exhausted.
She's like, 'Todd, are you gay?' I said, 'What about my act made you think I was gay?' She looks at me, and she goes, 'Hmm -- your timing.' My timing? I have gay timing. What a bizarre comment about a comedy act. But then I started thinking about...
I'm a single guy myself. I was reading the personal ads. I saw one that said, 'Single white female, 27, herpes: mild.' I don't know if we use the same rating system for social diseases as we do for taco sauce.
I never understood the concept of summer school. The teacher's going to go up there and go, 'OK, class, you know that subject you couldn't grasp in nine months? We're going to whip it out in six weeks.'
These kids used to make unreasonable demands of me all the time. They'd want to use the restroom. Seriously -- straight-faced, they'd ask me, 'Mr. Barry, can I go to the bathroom?' I'd be like, 'No, of course not. I can't leave. You can't leave.'...
I heard that Brad Pitt ain't a big fan of taking showers. I heard this on 'Hard Copy,' so it's not like I'm just blurting something out irresponsibly.
I ran into a friend of mine in the street I hadn't seen in a while. He's a pastry chef. I said, 'Hey, what's going on?' He was like, 'Ugh, I gotta go to France to go to chocolate school.' What ever happened to, 'Not much. How 'bout you?'
I saw a woman on the street wearing a t-shirt that said, 'Nurses Kick Butt.' I don't want a nurse who kicks butt. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of pumped up healthcare workers. I don't want to be lying in the operating room -- the door gets...
