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I'm just avoiding my girlfriend. We just passed a year together, and she's testing my commitment with these questions that she learned in Cosmopolitan. And they're trick questions, you can't answer them -- 'If I was horribly disfigured in an...
Adam was created first. That means there was a whole period of time where he's just hanging out by himself. There's no Eve yet. Now, did he have a penis yet? Why would he? I think it came with Eve, like an accessory pack. 'Adam, I made you this woman, but you'll need this adapter.'
It's not weird to see naked people. We see nude people all the time -- you know, cable and R-rated movies -- but those people in the movies have been pre-approved to be naked. They went through a casting director or something. Everyone gets on the...
AT&T ruined my last relationship because I'd get bad reception. My girlfriend would yell at me for it. 'Hello? I can't hear you! What? What? Why don't you call me back when you can get a better signal.' I was so scared of her, I'd apologize. 'I'm...
I took a whole bottle of this flu medicine, but I took the daytime version 'cause I had some stuff to do, you know, the non-drowsy formula. I wasn't tired, but I spent the day staring at my reflection in the toaster. Apparently, what keeps you up...
I have a little nephew. He's two-and-a-half, and he just learned to say those three words, 'I love you.' And he's saying it to everybody now. My sister was like, 'He doesn't understand what it means. He's saying it because he thinks he can get...
The AT&T guy turned into a whiny bitch on the phone. I didn't know what to do. I started acting like it was a break-up. 'I'd like to discontinue my service.' 'What do you mean?' 'I don't want service anymore.' 'Three years means nothing to you?' 'It's not you. It's me. I'm in love with Verizon.'
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