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I'm single. I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.
I always loved art teachers because they were so bizarre. They were like the homeless people of the faculty -- all disheveled, wearing smocks, covered in paint, always digging through the garbage, looking for bottles and egg cartons and things.
People are evacuating every day, right? Evacuating used to be a big deal. Now, it's like jury duty. Like, 'Great, gotta evacuate. You gonna go?' 'Nah, I'll see if I can get out of it.'
Girls dress sexy, right? Even sweat pants now -- kind of tight, got the writing on the ass, little messages. Who knows what it's gonna say? It's like a little fortune cookie right on your ass: 'Sexy. Baby Doll. Juicy. Look at my ass.' I'm like,...
Cleavage season just about over. I'm gonna miss it. 'Cause cleavage, when it first pops out, like late February/early March, it's almost like Groundhog Day. It's like, 'Ah, it's gonna be an early spring.'
So, I used to be a music teacher. I used to teach K-5 music here in New York City. I taught the recorder. Are you guys familiar with Satan's little flute? If there's music in Hell, I assure you, it is played on a recorder.
Illegal downloading seems pretty big these days. That's gotta stop. It's a problem, 'cause when you download, let's say, a P. Diddy song, you're not only stealing from him, you're also stealing from whoever he stole it from in the first place.
You ever see those racism public service announcements where they have an athlete speak out against racism, but they'll make it specific to their sport? Like a boxer will say, 'We gotta knock out racism.' Or a basketball player will say, 'We gotta...
I'm just looking for a little mystery in life... like things you can't explain. Like, you go to Mexico, they tell you don't drink the water. You go to any diner here, who brings you the water? It's a mystery.
I'm still enjoying the single life. Went down to Mardi Gras a couple years ago, that was fun. I went with a buddy of mine. There were some girls up in a balcony. A chant goes up: 'Show your tits.' I joined the chant because I support the cause....
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men/women (1718),
travel (277),
laws (214),
holidays (86),
police business (72),
Ted Alexandro (26)
I have a lot of friends who are getting married. I try to avoid talking to them about their sex lives now 'cause it's so depressing. One guy told me it had been six months since he had gotten to second base with his wife. Yeah, I don't know which...
My sister's a personal trainer. That's a tough job. I don't think I can do that. You gotta help people with their fitness goals. 'Can you help me define my abs?' 'Yeah -- disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous.'
I think the Jackson family works for the government, that's my new theory. I think every time the government needs a distraction, they call up the Jacksons. 'Yeah, hello, Janet? We're gonna need you to whip out a titty at the Super Bowl. Yeah, and...
I belong to a gym now. Well, let me rephrase that: I don't belong there at all, but I go.
A lot of debate about the war lately. Democrats saying pull out. Republicans saying finish the job. It's like the angel and devil on my shoulders during sex -- maybe I really am a Republican?
Bush, Kerry and Nader -- those were the the choices. Although Nader -- you know when you take a multiple choice exam, and they tell you to immediately rule out one choice 'cause it's crazy? -- that's Nader. It's like, 'The square root of 342 is a)...
Halloween seems to be getting bigger every year. I noticed a pattern this year with girls' costumes. Girls will take a typically altruistic career -- such as librarian, nurse, maybe nun -- and turn her into a whore.
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2379),
men/women (1718),
insults (1620),
work/office (325),
holidays (86),
Ted Alexandro (26),
Halloween (3)
Rappers misspell things from time to time, just for fun. They'll use a 'Z' instead of an 'S,' a 'Y' instead of an 'I.' If I was an accountant, I would do that with numbers. I'd be like, 'Yo, here's your check. I used a 1 instead of a 5. Just keepin' it real. Don't wanna embezzle, my nezzle.'
I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies -- and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking. I just gotta bring the heat.
My brother and his wife had a baby boy. They asked me to be the godfather. I didn't realize, during the ceremony, you had to renew your baptismal vows in front of the whole congregation. So, they call you out there on the altar. They start firing...
