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I know how to take care of the woman's needs. Most guys don't even talk to you when they're having sex with you. If you're lucky, they're just like, 'I'm falling off the bed.' You're lucky if you get that. But not me -- every girl I have sex with...
I love lingerie -- oh my God. I even have a subscription to the Victoria's Secret catalog. Well, I don't have a subscription, my neighbor does. She just hasn't received it for a couple of years.
Now, women wear those thong-panties. Those are wonderful. I can't believe we got those through. I mean, seriously -- I thought we would see UFOs before women would agree to put a piece of string up their ass for us.
That quiet time is the most important time because that's their concentrating time. And it's very important that you don't talk during their concentrating time -- especially with a guy line like, 'Come on, bring it home, cowgirl; I got a sandwich waiting!'
It's so hard to have sex with girls. They're always so, like, 'No.' What's that about? Girls should have sex with me -- 'cause I love it.
That porno spam is bad stuff, boy, because I want to delete it, but it's almost like they have a chip in my head or something. Because I get these emails -- they're like: 'Do you like hot, young girls in thigh-high stockings?' Yeah. 'Do you have a...
This girl came over to me, and she's like, 'I saw you on TV.' And I was like, oh my God, I'm going to have sex. I got happy. And then she goes, 'Can I ask you a question?' -- in, like, an all sexy voice. And I'm like, 'Yeah.' She's like, 'Are you retarded?'
I found my girlfriend's vibrator. Oh my God -- it was the size of my arm. I was like, 'What are you doing when I'm not here?' She goes, 'Don't worry, I think about you when I use it.' I was like, 'What am I doing -- working the crane that lowers you onto it?'
I love having a penis. Having a penis is kinda like having a friend that always wants to play.
It's always better when a girl breaks up with a guy because then it's over in five minutes. Because then, the guy just says his peace, which is, 'You suck,' and that's it -- it's over. But when a guy breaks up with a girl, you need an entire...
I would be gay if you didn't have to do the gay sex part. I don't know if I would like that. I think after a couple minutes, I'd just be like, 'Ow, quit it. Let's just cuddle, dude.'
Some guys, they like panties too much. I was reading in the paper, there was a guy -- he got arrested because he would go into girls' houses, and he would steal their panties. That guy has psychological issues. I mean, don't get me wrong -- I like...
I would get in trouble on the first day... 'Doctor, I have an earache.' I would be like, 'Hmm, I'm going to need to see your ass.' Then a 600-pound woman would come in. She would be like, 'I have a yeast infection.' I would be like, 'You should walk it off.'
I thought I got a girl pregnant once. She called me up; she's like, 'I think I'm pregnant.' I was like, 'The number you have reached....'
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