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I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It's a strange piece of machinery. We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it and then rotate it. And I'll be damned if I'm not hungry because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water. I like dizzy chicken.
I get up in the morning, I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour, which makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
I worked at Zany's Comedy Club in Nashville, and I wasn't getting a lot of laughs. People weren't laughing, so after one show, the club owner said, 'Mitch, you're not getting any laughs. You're gonna have to vacuum the club.' He made me vacuum....
When I was on acid, I'd see things like beams of light and I'd hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls, but on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. And Pringles is a laid-back company -- they said, 'F**k it. Cut 'em up.'
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he says he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, 'F**k that, I'll just make a copy.'
Wearing a turtleneck is like getting strangled by a really weak guy all day.
Acid was my favorite drug. When we were on acid, we'd go into the woods because when we were in the woods trippin', there was less likely of a chance we'd run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzz kill.
A lot of times, I'll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake.
I like a escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.
I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on the wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down... When he knocked on the wall, I would mess with his head. I'd say, 'Go around.'
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So, I got a cake.
I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut -- end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this.
I never got a hole in one -- but I did hit a guy, and that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell 'Fore,' but I was too busy mumbling 'There ain't no way that's gonna hit him.'
It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes, I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows?
A lot of bars have black lights, and when a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool -- except for me because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
I was at a casino. I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, 'You gotta move -- you're blocking the fire exit,' as though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run.
Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out fliers, and when someone tries to hand me out a flier, it's kinda like they're saying, 'Here, you throw this away.'
I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors' coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place: Mitch's Pizzeria -- this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza.'
People who smoke cigarettes, they say 'Man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking.' Yes, I do -- it's as hard as it is to start flossing.
