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I've been listening to this rapper, Busta Rhymes. Sometimes he'll say a really good rhyme, and he'll say his name afterwards. He'll be like, 'Cat in the hat, and that was that -- Busta Rhymes.' I really like that. I'd like to do that with jokes....
This girl offered me E at the club. She's like, 'You gotta do E. It helps you feel the music.' I was like, 'I don't even like this music. I don't really want to take the next step.'
My female friends complain about dating. My friend was like, 'I went out with this guy, and he wanted to sleep with me after five dates.' And I was like, 'No, he wanted to sleep with you after one date. He thought he might have a chance after...
My friends drink anywhere. My friends drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat -- I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of Dirty Panties with my Spanish speaking crew. I was like, 'Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates...
I was living with a girl for a while. We worried about different things. One day, I was like, 'What do you fear the most?' And she was like, 'I fear you'll meet someone else, and you'll leave me, and I'll be all alone.' And she was like, 'What do you fear the most?' And I was like, 'Bears.'
I'm not the kind of guy who has a huge weight problem, but I am the kind of guy who could really put the brakes on an orgy. Everyone would be like, 'Was he invited? Why is he eating a cake?' I've never been in an orgy. I feel like it'd be like...
I didn't realize how good I was with computers until I met my parents.
When I go to bed at night, it's like a different human being that enters my body for the night shift. I call my guy Sleepy Carl -- that's my guy. And he's a terrible employee, but he's a great dude. He's always slobbering on my pillow and...
News is not real. It's gotten so strange. People get down on Fox News, but at least with Fox News, you know it's not true.
I'm Italian... Sometimes people come up to me and they'll be like, 'In Italy, it's pronounced 'Bir-Bee-Lya.' And I'm like, 'In America, you're annoying.'
I wanted to be a rapper -- I really did -- and it surprises people because I'm a white bread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur -- 'white bread.' The other day, someone was like, 'What's up, white bread?' And I was like, 'That's not...
Technology's moving so fast, man. It's to the point where you can make stuff up, and people will believe you. You can be like, 'You seen the new Sony Teleporter?' People will be like, 'No, but I heard about it.' I end up saying that all the time...
Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt.
Sometimes, when I'm driving, I'll listen to the radio for hours, and I'll listen to Christian rock by mistake. Because it always starts out as like a Bon Jovi ballad, you know? It'll be like, 'I woke up in the morning/And I got myself some oatmeal/And I put some raisins and/Christ is God.'
I stayed at a hotel last week in Washington, D.C. It was the Abraham Lincoln Suites, and they have these Abraham Lincoln quotes everywhere. And one of them was like, 'Whatever you are, be a good one.' I just don't feel like he should get credit...
I think the cats were gay 'cause they were always licking each other and spooning in the window and criticizing the way I dress. I don't think it's a biological thing, like they're gay by birth. I think it's an environment thing, like they're 'prison gay.'
I shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people, though. I should write it.
Everyone tries to get you to dance at these clubs, especially women. They're like, 'You gotta dance. You gotta dance!' And then I dance, and they're like, 'Not like that.'
I went to a De La Soul concert recently, and they really hype up the audience. They were in the middle of the concert, like, 'Is the party over here?' And people are like, 'Woo!' 'Is the party over here?' People are like, 'Woo!' I'd like to do...
I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.
