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Babies are neat, but raising a good kid -- that deserves a medal. Instead of baby announcements like, 'We're proud to announce the arrival of an eight-pound boy,' wait 20 years 'til you're really proud to announce, 'Our 180-pound boy is finally...
Once that baby hits, you go from being lovers to teammates. It's like, 'Feed her. Pass her. Burp her. Pass her. Clean her. Pass her. Diaper. Pass her.' At the end of the night, we're too tired for sex. We just fall into bed and high five: 'Way to burp her.' 'Nice wipe.'
As soon as that baby hits, you get these scary mailings that says stuff like, 'Congratulations, new dad! Now, what about life insurance, disability, college fund? What if they get sick, Dad? Think of the future, Dad.' So I did -- I got a vasectomy.
I think, with overpopulation, it would be nice if we could find a way to encourage vasectomies, make them fun, so guys will do it. Don't even say 'vasectomy,' just put a bunch of beer on ice and call them 'sperm retirement parties.'
Young guys go chasing women every night. You do that, you're called party animals. Do that in middle age, you're called a lonely alcoholic.
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