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I've been really cranky 'cause I'm on a diet. Here's the thing: I'm OK with my weight like this, but I want to do television, which means I need to be a weight that's not achievable.
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pop culture (770),
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Lynne Koplitz (16)
Manhattan children are like weird, uppity little pod children. Did you ever notice that? They're like a little too sophisticated, a little snotty. My friend had me babysit one of her kids. It was, like, a little six-year-old, I guess -- I don't...
Sometimes, I'll do it doggy style because you can watch television. It's a very underrated position because it frees you up to multitask. Let's face it, the laundry isn't going to fold itself, people.
The best part about losing weight is you get to upgrade your underwear. A couple of months ago, one of my girlfriends is kind of looking at me funny. I'm wearing a pair of low-rider jeans, and she's like, 'Lynne, do you wear a back brace?' That would be my granny panties.
I grabbed a pair of pantyhose the other day -- ladies, you can relate -- something happened, and I had no crotch expansion all day. The women are giggling. Look at the men. It's a sea of faces looking at me, like 'Crotch: sounds good. Expansion:...
She actually asked me for four grapes once. She counted grapes. What kind of mental patient counts grapes? Do you know anyone who does that? That's the weirdest thing. I was like, 'Four grapes...' To me grapes aren't even a food. They're like a...
They expect you to be knowledgeable, don't they, in the bedroom? I dated a guy -- I'm not making this up -- he literally said to me once, 'Teach me something.' I know a little Spanish: 'El butt-o no entrado.'
Things change when you're in your 30s. First of all, we hesitate when someone asks our age. 'How old are you?' You're like, 'How old am I? How's the lighting? 28. Oh, you have cataracts? 25.'
He was like, 'Could you be enthusiastic, please?' Not for nothing, but I've been with him for five years. His penis is in syndication at this point. You want enthusiasm? Make it do something I've never seen it do before, like the dishes. Oh, I...
I think that genitalia is proof that the universe loves women more than men, and I'll tell you why: 'cause if you look at our stuff -- I mean, it's all kind of gross -- but at least with women, it's all organized. It's like God made a little...
People start telling me I resemble Cindy Crawford. It's not a compliment, because if I do look like her, it means I just kind of resemble her, which means I'm the Cindy Crawford you can get. I'm like the knockoff, Target version of Cindy, like...
I grab a bra that must have been from grade school 'cause I had quatro-boob all day. Again, the women giggle, and the men look at me. 'Quatro? That's four! Four boobies! I don't know what it is, but I know it can't be bad, dude.' It's bad, right,...
Homeless guy asks for a dollar, and I said no because I was in a hurry or something, and as I was walking away, he was like, 'You've got a fat ass, bitch!' 'Really? I'm taking my fat ass home. And I'm gonna eat when I get there.'
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Lynne Koplitz (16)
You know what I like about dating younger guys? They follow rules really well. Like you can tell a younger guy, 'Look, sex with me is like taking the SATs: just show up on time, do the best you can, and when I say stop, put your little pencil down.
My sister actually told me that it was my responsibility as a well-adjusted member of society to have children. Is that crazy? I told her, 'I'm not well adjusted. I'm on Vicodin when I visit you.' It's good I told her 'cause now I don't have to babysit her kids when they're in town.
You ever fall asleep performing oral sex? What's so funny? I've done it. It's not that bad. Waking up is horrible.
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