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If you've gotta get some condoms from the 99 cent store, you better use four of them.
I like Condoleezza Rice. She's a smart woman. She knows four or five languages. Plus, her name sounds like a side dish at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Anybody that can shoot somebody in the face, and then that person apologizes to him? That's gangster.
We sick people need our medicine, Tom. You ever had a yeast infection? F**k you.
Jesus was black. John, Chapter 13, Verse 19: They asked him, 'Are you the son of God?' He said, 'I be he.' That was Ebonics.
The lady was at the Mexican restaurant, saw the image of Christ on a flour tortilla. Christ is not coming back at Taco Bell, y'all. I'm sorry.
As a matter of fact, I'm glad my skin is dark, because if I was a white girl, I would look 10 pounds heavier.
I used to work in an office, and when I worked in an office, I celebrated all the holidays -- Cesar Chavez Day, Labor Day -- just to get a day off of work. It could be KKK Day -- 'Do I get a day off of work?'
The only thing jacked up about the 80s was the fashions. Remember spandex pants? Rubber and nylon -- who put that together? All that moisture, we had yeast infections for days.
I loved the 80s: I was in school in the 80s, I had good credit in the 80s, and Michael Jackson was black in the 80s.
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How many of us really can buy something on her damn list? She tried to make a little cheap list. You know we don't want that sh*t on your cheap list, Oprah.
Rappers have gotten an Academy Award for a song called, 'It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp.' It ain't hard out here for no damn pimp! It's hard out here for the damn pimpettes, for the prostitutes, for the comedians up here trying to make y'all laugh -- that's who it's hard for.
They got the L.A. Sparks, the Houston Comets -- that don't entice the men. Let's change the names of the teams to entice the men: Tennessee Titties, the Alabama Asses, the L.A. Lickers.
We promise my cousin Skillet a woman and some weed -- he'll gang bang all the way to Afghanistan and get that man for us.
Every month, he puts out a video like he's Puff Daddy or Beyonce... You see the videos: bin Laden's Greatest Hits, bin Laden Christmas Video, bin Laden Gone Wild.
When you think about it, he is a very smart man. He puts smart people around him. That's what you do when you have a deficiency -- put smart people around you.
I see what they did to Star Jones, damn it. She lost weight and her job. F**k that -- you better eat a damn donut, Star.
If a man will sit and watch 'The Oprah Winfrey Show' with you, that man is gay. That's a 'Brokeback Mountain' man, right there.
Bring Your Kids to Work Day -- who the hell thought of this? People go to work to leave their damn kids.
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