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A gym is just a PE class that you pay to skip.
I like nice guys. I think there's a lot of nice guys out there. I don't think we treat them right. We don't -- we say mean things about them, things like, 'Nice guys finish last.' That's an awful thing to say. It's not even true. My husband's the nicest guy in the world; he always finishes first.
My husband wants a baby. He's older so he's ready to have a baby. I'm not ready at all. I'm too irresponsible; I'd make a horrible mother. I'd probably forget to pick the kid up from therapy.
If I have sex with my husband at this point, I feel like I'm cheating on myself. I'm like, 'Honey, you can stay, but it's just going to slow things down.'
Southern people don't even age -- we just drop dead.
You shouldn't put a fat kid up on a balance beam -- that's wrong. They never took the blind kids to the shooting range.
Marriage is like the movie 'Groundhog Day.' You wake up, you look over at your alarm clock, you look back at your mate, and you think, 'Oh my God, not this sh*t again.'
Eighteen is too young to get married. You can't even buy alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?
My cousin Amber is 17, having a baby, and she did that pregnant chick thing I hate. She came walking over to me; she's like, 'Go ahead. Touch me.' I said, 'Sugar, haven't you been touched enough?'
I'm trailer park. If you cut me, I bleed crystal meth and Kevin Federline.
You know how that is, the first time in a guy's apartment? You don't know what to expect, right? I go walking in, he's got rows and rows of books -- books everywhere -- maps up on the walls, a whole folder of magazine article clippings. I'm like, 'Oh sh*t, I'm dating a serial killer.'
My husband is Jewish. I know -- a Catholic and a Jew, right? Our kids are gonna be cashews.
I always knew I was gonna have a Jewish husband because of my very first crush. 'Cause it's 300 girls all day long, that's all I get to look at in high school, just me and a bunch of girls. Only one man in my life: the guy up on the wall. He's...
We had 300 girls in my high school; we had one virgin -- one. She was out on the front lawn. She was our Lady of Lost Hope.
I think it's probably hard to be Muslim. They gotta get up every day at 5:30 to pray. That's why they're pissed off, they're sleep deprived. I got a plan for peace in the Middle East, and it doesn't involve any blood shed. All we gotta do is go...
I told him, 'You are not bringing home a hooker. That is inappropriate. I can't have that.' There's no way I'm gonna watch my husband have sex with another woman, right in front of me, and then she gets paid cash for it -- and then she gets to...
I would do anything to make my husband happy -- anything to make him happy -- except cook or clean or shut the f**k up.
I can't imagine having a baby. You got this thing that runs after you, and then it falls down, and then it falls into you, and then vomits all over you. Then, it wants to suck on your breasts. That's like prom night.
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