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We came up with Earth Day so we would have one day every year that would remind us what planet we were living on.
What does the word 'meteorologist' mean in English? It means liar.
He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.
The great part about Crisco is you never get burnt because, when you start to sizzle, you move your ass.
Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
I cannot believe the American people listened to H. Ross Perot. You don't listen to a guy who looks like the kid in 'Deliverance' all grown up.
Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers. They are obviously alcoholics.
Jokes Tagged:
insults (1620),
sports (623),
news & politics (616),
alcohol (428),
The Bush Years (37)
In my life time, I went from an Eisenhower to a George W. Bush. I went from a John Kennedy to an Albert Gore. Now, if that is evolution, then I believe in about 12 years, we're gonna be voting for plants.
Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer. And you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable! How...
First night, you get socks; second night, an eraser, a notebook -- it's a back to school holiday.
I've seen the end of the universe, and it happens to be in the United States and, oddly enough, it's in Houston, Texas. I know -- I was shocked, too. Imagine my surprise when I left a comedy club one day and walked to the end of the block, and...
You can't deny the faith of these people that we fight: it's absolute. They believe that if they kill themselves, they'll be met in heaven with 70-some-odd virgins. Imagine that kind of faith -- to think that that would happen, when I haven't met one on earth.
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2379),
news & politics (616),
religion (507),
wars (75),
terrorism (51),
The Bush Years (37)
I've been spending a lot of time in casinos because, apparently, I have a gambling problem. But I have learned something important to pass on to you about how to deal with casinos when you're there. Go get $100 in quarters when you arrive. Then,...
We're the greatest country on Earth except when it comes to getting sh*t done.
We don't have solar energy because the sun goes away each day -- and doesn't tell you where it's going.
There are packs of baboons running around Africa that take better care of themselves than we do. You know what health insurance is for me? I've got Band-Aids in my car.
We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons -- let's find it!
You'll always feel good about your body when you go there -- no matter what your body is -- because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you'll ever weigh.
Jokes Tagged:
health (734),
lookin' good (489),
food (379),
weight/obesity (342),
The Bush Years (37)
Oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it's harder than curling, and if you're good at it, you deserve a medal.
He's the president. If he doesn't know what the word 'alone' means, that means he may be thinking that the voices in his head are other people.
