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Whenever I have food ordered in, I try to decide what is the worst way to come to the door, and I've decided it's tied to a chair.
Stand-up is such a selfless profession. You know, the only difference between me and a surgeon or a pediatrician is that when I approach a couple with a child and say, 'I'd like to keep him for a few days and do some bloodwork,' it's considered inappropriate.
I slept with my mother until I was nine years old. It was OK for the first few years, and then I don't know what happened. I just couldn't do it anymore. I mean, sleeping with the same woman, night after night -- boring.
I don't understand why people procreate when there are kids here already who need to be exploited, ignored and abused.
When you see them interviewed, they say, 'It's a blessing. God wanted us to have eight healthy two-pound babies.' Well, I say what about when they weren't able to have babies in the first place? How could God be any clearer than that?
I give the guy the change, and he says, 'Oh, I thought you were gonna give me a sandwich,' and I said, 'Oh, I thought you'd want the money for alcohol.'
This friend of mine is into all this holistic stuff, and she gave me these energy crystals. And what they are is -- they're crystals that you grind into a powder, then you blow them up your nose. It's incredible. I feel like I can talk all night. And I will.
I have a man in my life. He is so special. This guy -- he kisses me before we do it.
I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex. Because, number one, what if I know the guy?
I used to temp, and I think there's something about steady exposure to fluorescent lights that can dissolve any trace of a personality.
I've gone out with a couple of men who have realized that they were gay. Happened to me once in college, couple of years after college, and then again last year. I don't know, it's a bit humiliating, I have to say. I just feel like -- when did I...
My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. 'Cause I'm plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. What didn't I get to open this year?
It goes: Christmas, New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day. Is that fair to anyone who's alone? Those are all days when you gotta be with someone. And if you didn't get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year's -- boom! there's Valentine's...
Jokes Tagged:
men/women (1718),
dating (476),
mental health (123),
holidays (86),
Laura Kightlinger (23)
Electing W. proves that Americans are suckers for family businesses, no matter how dysfunctional or incompetent. 'Bush and Son: Leading America to War Since 1990.'
Personally, I've never been interested in backdoor sex. You know why? Because it's all I can do to keep the front entrance nice for company -- you know, sweeping the walk, trimming the hedge.
I think that talk show themes have finally gone too far. I was watching a show where three people came out and they started talking about their failed attempts at suicide. And after it was over, they flashed a 1-800 number across the screen, so...
I'm sick of fighting it. I'm sick of having them say why it would be so great and me saying why it would not be so great. So, I've just decided that this is my excuse. This is what I say: 'You know, it's not that I don't want you to, the honest to...
There was this woman that I used to work with, and every Monday -- didn't talk to me during the week -- but every Monday she'd say, 'How was your weekend? How's your weekend?' And then I said, 'Oh, not good. I accidentally killed a man.' And she said, 'Oh, you should have called me! We went antiquing.'
My favorite thing in a gay pride parade is the big, helium cartoon characters. There is something about seeing Bullwinkle's ass in chaps. I revert right back to being a kid on gay pride morning.
Every time you get fixed up, I notice that the description that a friend gives for the guy she's fixing you up with is exactly the same as the neighbors of a serial killer. It's always, 'Handsome guy, good job. Polite, always says hello.' I'm...
