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I was at the dentist the other day. He was like, 'Kevin, you have gingivitis.' I was like, 'Damn it. I shoulda wore a condom.'
They adopted a bunch of us. There's a bunch of adopted kids. It's like they were collecting us or something, like Star Wars figures. They bought us in twos. It sucked for my brother 'cause they kept him in the box. They had to: he came with the helmet and the backpack; he was limited edition.
I was such a mean little kid. I was like, 'Dad, you know what? You can't tell me what to do. You're not even my real father.' He's like, 'Watch your mouth, boy. I still got the receipt.'
I got this new drug -- it's called the Internet. I don't know if you've ever heard of that. It's a drug, 'cause one minute, you're sitting down, checking your e-mail, and four hours later, your pants are down to your ankles, and you feel awkward...
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