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For his birthday, my sister gets him a pinata... I'm not allowed over anymore because I kept going, 'Hey Evan, I bet there's some candy in that lamp over there.'
I got a rental car, and they gave me a Daewoo. Daewoo: that's Korean for 'Just walk.'
The other night I went out on a date with a guy who said he didn't like girls who were fragile or vulnerable. So I stabbed him.
This guy came on the screen, and he goes, 'The divorced Christian woman has to be very careful because men know she's been married and she's familiar.' I guess that would explain why people keep looking at me and going, 'Hey, you look really familiar.'
I'm getting a new car. You know what kind of car I'm getting? I'm getting a Honda Civic because those are very safe cars. And I know 'cause I saw a guy total one the other day when I ran him off the road.
[My sister] goes, 'You know what your problem is, Karen? You think like a man.' So I said, 'I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.' And then I made her smell my socks.
I didn't know what they were. I turned it on, some woman's reading off sins -- I thought they were things to do in town.
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