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How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, 'How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.'
Have you ever had somebody not ask for directions but demand them. You're just walking down the street, you hear a horn -- some guy's like, 'Holland Tunnel!' You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions; suddenly, you're wasting his time. 'Let's go, buddy -- Holland Tunnel!'
You ever notice that when people are thinking in movies, they're always chewing on the end of their glasses? Like, 'If we give the alien a cold...'. You know what they're really thinking? 'This tastes likes wax.'
You could be a genius -- you try to write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway. It's always like, 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor -- you ever just look at the letter and go, 'Hm, looks like they're never getting this. Takes too much energy to go outside.'
I never have free time. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line front of you -- you get kind of flustered? You're like 'Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I've got things to do.'
My favorite animal is the manatee, the sea cow. Have you ever seen that animal? The manatee is endangered, and I think it's because it's out of shape. It looks like a retired football player.
You ever look for the remote control, you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, it looks like I'm not watching TV.'
My favorite channel is the Lifetime Channel because Lifetime is television for women -- Lifetime: Television for Women. Yet, for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel.
I'm from a very large family -- nine parents.
Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich -- dirty.'
There's a different kind of pride where I'm from. It's not like 'We're from New York: we're tough' or 'We're from Texas: we like things big.' It's more like, 'We're from Indiana, and we're gonna move.'
I wish I was ethnic; I'm nothing. 'Cause if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper.' But if you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'
Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, 'Oh, they're nice,' but if a stranger's ugly, you're like, 'What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.'
You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.
You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm like, 'Not for me. I'm done.'
You think when gym teachers are younger, they're thinking, 'You know I want to teach, but I don't want to read'?
I think it'd be great if you had a kid that ended up being pope. That would be the ultimate bragging rights. 'Oh, your son's a doctor? Yeah, ours is pope. Oh, they have a house? He has his own city.'
I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.
I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana -- mafia.
