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Do you know what retired parents are like? They're like telemarketers that you can't hang up on. They refuse to take you off their call list.
I could never, ever raise a child to whom I gave birth because a newborn is about the size of a basketball. And if I had to expel a basketball from my body via a very restricted passageway, I would never want to see that basketball again -- not even on weekends.
There's a lot of pressure on parents, man, just figured that out. Parents get blamed for everything now. Even when their kids are grown up and out of the house, parents are used as scapegoats. 'I'm a loser because my father's an alcoholic.' No, your father's an alcoholic because you're a loser.
Poor Jesus. First he's crucified, then he has to spend his Saturdays with Jerry Falwell.
I've always found the study of language intriguing. I had a linguistics professor who always said, 'It's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.' I wouldn't go that far. I think what sets us apart from other animals is that we aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
It's very stressful becoming a parent. You know what was really hard for me? Coming up with names for our children. I panic when I have to name a new document on my computer. Damn, everybody uses 'miscellaneous.'
One woman broke up with me and told me I was insecure. I thought, 'Great, this is gonna help. I feel a lot better about myself now.'
I didn't lose my virginity 'til I was 18 years old. Think that's because I was born by caesarean section. I really didn't have a frame of reference.
One time when I was feeding the squirrels, I happened to catch sight of two rats who were looking on with obvious envy, and it hit me how resentful it must make rats, knowing that they're just a bushy tail away from being hand fed in the park.
Marriage scares me. There's a big difference between living with someone and just going out with her. You don't just see the person when she's at her best. You bear witness to the entire process. It can be very sobering. It's like eating a hamburger after you've watched the cow being slaughtered.
Some couples get engaged, and then they don't set a date. They're just engaged for an indefinite period of time. That doesn't make sense. It's like going to the supermarket, filling up your grocery cart, and then just walking around.
The honeymoon is an odd tradition. You've just taken the vows when you rush off to some vacation hideaway, where you spend every second of every day with the very person to whom you just pledged your entire life. Two weeks apart would make more...
There are too many weird Olympic events now, like that one where the gymnasts prance around the mat swirling a piece of ribbon. It's called 'rhythmic gymnastics' -- unless you're five, then it's called 'playing.'
I was present for all of their births. That's expected of men now. We gotta be there when the kids are born, and I'm still not sure what our role is in the delivery room. As far as I can tell, it's like waiting for your luggage at baggage claim....
Marriage is clearly an institution that favors men. It's a statistical fact that, on average, women who never get married live longer than women who do, but men who never get married don't live as long as men who do. That's why we buy women the...
Women should have teleprompters mounted on their foreheads. That way, we could read whatever they wanted us to say and still almost make eye contact and appear sincere.
Now I keep reading that I'm over the hill sexually. I don't even remember having a sexual peak when I was 19; I just remember apologizing a lot.
Some men think that they can convert gay women, make them straight. I couldn't do that. I could make a straight woman gay, though. I got that going for me.
I'm opposed to product testing on animals, especially in cosmetics research. What can we possibly learn from it? So what if a dog looks good in lipstick?
Delivery' is the wrong word to describe the child bearing process. Delivery is, 'Here's your pizza.' It takes 30 minutes or less. 'Exorcism,' I think would be more apt.
