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I like the real fights, like channel 291, 3:30 in the morning, and it's live -- just some guys beating the tar out of each other. I love those because you can tell they have something at stake. They have, like, rent due tomorrow.
I wanna be there when one of these guys snaps, loses it, says the wrong thing at the wrong time -- their subconscious just takes over and he can't help himself: 'Well, that's your 17th win in a row, Tigger -- TIGER!
You like Mr. Pibb? You get to drink all the Mr. Pibb you want! But you wake up 10 years from now and think, 'Well, I think I'd like something hot to drink.' Well, you better heat up some Mr. Pibb!
You think it's possible for them to design an electric car that doesn't look like a gay spaceship?
We have the greatest democracy in the world. Of course, you don't have to win the election to become president, but don't nitpick this to death, alright?
Latin women will start moving 30 seconds before there's music. It's like a cat before an earthquake, man -- 'Hang on, there's music coming, I know there is, waiting a second -- there it is!'
I wish I was a Puerto Rican dude 'cause when it comes to baby making, Puerto Rican dudes -- bang! -- first time, every time. Immaculate conception, my ass! You check the roster at Bethlehem, I guarantee you find a Jose Torres on it somewhere. Why do you think they named the kid Jesus?
We don't notice the eyebrow. Once in a blue moon, when it's that woman who shaves off her own actual human eyebrows and draws in the Halloween jack-o'-lantern eyebrows -- those we'll notice for about two seconds, then right back down to the boobs. We don't care.
I got the classic Italian male body. I got the ass of a 270-pound man and the chest of a small Romanian gymnast.
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