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You young people with your twittering and your creating of content. Or what is it -- queefing? I don't know what you young people are calling it.
Listen, young people, I understand narcissism -- clearly. But at least I have the decency to hate myself. And that's what's missing from the young people. They don't have the debilitating self-loathing and the second guessing.
Do you know that there are people that were born in 1989? That's real. That's true. I have met them. I actually met somebody born in 1991. How is that technically possible? That means that I was already a blackout drunk with an eating disorder, and you were just joining us.
If you don't do any self-examinations or see a doctor ever, you'll live forever. That's how you do it. The diagnosis is what gets you. You just have a don't ask, don't tell policy with any and all bodily functions.
Have you ever noticed nobody has ever ordered a grapefruit the size of a tumor? Ever. There's no reciprocity.
Last night, I went to a birthday party, and this girl brought a cake and a cheesecake. And the other girls that lived in the apartment, I swear to God, all night long: 'You're taking that cake with you when you go. That cake's not staying in this...
Pedestrian's rights -- because we live in California, I've got to address this issue. I don't know where on the fence I am about that. I suppose if I'm walking, I'm all for it, but if I'm driving, that's a whole other can of worms.
I am going to be sentenced to the StairMaster ring of Dante's 'Inferno,' where I have to get on a StairMaster, and they're going to tape my feet to the pedals. And I realize that StairMaster time is, in fact, the slowest increment of time known to...
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