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Two good things about drinking on the airplane are -- you don't have to drive and, no matter how much you drink, they can't throw you out.
Some cabs, you get in, and they have no kind of protection, security, at all. I guess they give those to the guys who show up late: 'Maybe a couple of head wounds will teach him some punctuality.'
If love was easy, there would be almost no music.
You're supposed to put it on the dog's stitches or his butt. The vet says the dog will not lick the salve because the salve tastes bad to the dog. Hello? He's already licking his ass.
My plan for illegal immigration is very simple: burning river of gas. Yes -- with the whole border, burning river of gas. And I say we do Canada, too, just to be fair. We do not need Alan Thicke coming down here whenever he wants.
A while back, I went down to Washington, D.C., and they put me up in the Watergate Hotel... It's just like a normal hotel -- nice, you know. I don't know why I expected it would be weird, like all the paintings would have the eyeballs that are...
People always tell you: 'Don't give the homeless money because they're just going to spend it on booze or drugs.' I kind of feel like, 'Hey, the guy lives in a box -- maybe he could use a drink.'
They know they're smarter than us, too, because we've been beaming 'COPS' into outer space.
The Chinese food in China is not better than the Chinese food here, mostly because of differences of definitions of words that we have -- like, for example, 'beef.'
You want to scream at people in the street: 'Stop f**king! You have to stop f**king!'... I don't think they can stop because it's so crowded. As soon as you get home and take your pants off, you're inside of another person.
I never wanted my own cult until I found out about all the perks. Evidently, if you're the cult leader, you can have sex with any of the cult members while the other members have to mow the lawn and wash the dog.
You gotta be a special kind of hungry to put something in your mouth that you get from a stranger on the streets of Manhattan, especially in Times Square, if you know what I mean.
I'd like to think that if I'm gonna drop dead in the next couple of weeks, you could tell just by looking at me. Apparently, that's the whole idea of the physical because all the guy does is look in my eye, check my pulse and that's it. I mean, a monkey with a stethoscope could have given me that exam.
I can't understand that they're debating on whether or not to allow gays in the military. Surprise -- they're already in the military. I mean, why don't we debate whether or not we're gonna allow pigeons in New York City?
She says, 'Don't worry. You will be cleansed physically, mentally and emotionally by this procedure.' Which I thought was pretty grandiose talk for a butt janitor.
I have been having a great time while I've been out here in New York. You know, we've been seeing the sights. Just yesterday, we saw the River of Spit and we visited the Museum of Smells and, before I leave tomorrow, the Gallery of Broken Things.
You look in my underwear drawer, and it's just, like -- that is to protect my pants from my ass.
She's like, 'How could a man want to have sex with a plastic doll? How could a man want to put his penis in a plastic doll?' And I said, 'Well, it's not Plan A.'
I've noticed that the street food in New York is very similar -- you know with the hot dogs and pretzels -- to the food that you get at the ballpark. Then it kind of occurred to me that walking around New York City is very similar to going to a...
A lot of people say they think that Los Angeles is a heartless place that breeds insincerity and mistrust. But you know, I found that when I first moved there, I didn't like it, but after a while, something inside me died.
