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These are the big breakthroughs in science and technology in the last 10 years: we have Rogaine, Prozac, now we have Viagra. You get a sense for who's bankrolling medical research in this country. It's just depressed, balding, white guys who can't...
My friend goes, 'If you're going to use Rogaine, just put it somewhere you're going to remember to use it everyday.' So I put it right next to my Prozac. But now it just feels really pathetic using both of these products at the same time, 'cause if either one works, I don't really need the other one.
I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.' I said, 'Hey Grandma, don't ever tell me you're naked again. Go put a lot of clothes...
When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time -- you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'
I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms -- spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.
We're at a wishing well one day. I'm with my son and I give him a penny, and I said, 'Owen, you take this penny, you throw it in the water, and you can wish for anything you want.' So he takes the penny, throws it into the water. I go, 'What'd you wish for?' He goes, 'To throw the penny in the water.'
I do have hair; the hair is just not everywhere. I realize it's really just at the holes: my nose, my ears, my butt. I'm like a tub: just sheer white porcelain, and then a clump of hair at the drain.
She goes, 'No, this is really good for his immune system.' I said 'Two years? I think at this time, we can safely dunk him in a bucket of polio.'
I just did some real gambling. I went to Las Vegas. I was playing craps because I had a lot of money and I needed to lose it very quickly.
At some point, the computer industry decided if you have an e-mail address, you must have some kind of penis problem.
Years after he was castrated in a horrible industrial accident, she continued having kids, just out of habit -- black kids, white kids, Chinese kids. We don't know how she did it -- we know how she did it, we just don't like to talk about it.
When you're 18, you meet somebody, and 15 seconds later, you're like, 'I love you... I love you! Is that your roommate? She's hot.'
Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.
My grandfather is from Ireland. His name is Florence McCarthy. He moved to New York in 1920. They used to beat him up because his name was Florence. He had to switch his name to Frank. And then this Christmas, he made an announcement -- he goes,...
As a single couple, we are no longer able to hang around with married couples 'cause they cannot be in our presence without getting very annoying. It's always like, 'So, when are you guys getting married? Huh? When are you getting married? When...
When you first start having sex with somebody, you never discuss what you like and don't like. You just try stuff, and the other person either goes, 'Ooh yeah,' or they go, 'Hey, don't do that!'
I went to the gas station the other day, and the gas station attendant said he was a former porno movie star. And I think he was serious because half through filling the tank, he pulled it out and sprayed it all over the car.
Same thing every year: up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls -- and then you leave the house.
If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.
Thirty-two is weird because I'm not really young anymore, but I'm not really old yet. I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne. So, physically it's all...
