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They waited until I was 20 to tell me I was adopted. And then last Christmas, they told me they were kidding.
I gave him a slice of pizza, and he was touched. He looked up at me, he got a tear in his eye, and he said, 'Thank you.' And then he wiped his mouth with the pizza and went back to eating the napkins.
They put me in Special Ed because they thought I was slow, but I stayed in Special Ed for the ladies.
I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.
I was in a fish market, and there was a little boy behind the counter, about nine, and he had a bucket of live fish. And he took one out and he put it in his mouth. All of a sudden, his mom, who I think owned the place, looked at him and said,...
Does anybody here know what to do if a bear attacks? A lot of people do think you're supposed to play dead, which is not what you're supposed to do. And the best thing about playing dead is -- that's like a rumor that bears spread.
If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is, he's the reason you all live underground.
You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat -- an animal I've made up and decided is rude.'
I saw that Linens 'N Things was going out of business. I know. My first thought was, 'Should have been more specific.'
A lot of people think kids say the darnedest things, but so would you if you had no education.
I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America -- which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?
I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.'
I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I was in a situation where I had to be like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' -- no problem.
There was one woman who had a giant sign and on it, it just said, 'America Is Better Than Abortion.' I think she meant that America was too good a place for the horror of abortion. But instead, it sounded like she had weighed both -- the American...
There's this billboard in my neighborhood, and it says, 'Don't leave a baby anywhere,' which is true. I imagine the first rule of baby is to not leave it in the street. Don't even leave it with a knife or a sword -- even Excalibur.
Don't throw a baby at anything -- even a burglar.
Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.
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