Most Popular Tags Today
1-20 of 44 Results
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used...
I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals.
I think Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.
One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
About a month ago, I got a cactus, and a week later, it died. I got really depressed because I was like, damn, I am less nurturing than a desert.
I was at a party the other night, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, and I thought, 'That is cool.' Like 10 minutes later, I saw a guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, 'That is not cool.' That's when I realized cool is all about leather sleeves.
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops because to me a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage.
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me, a bumper sticker is a short cut. It's like a little sign that says, 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
I like fruit baskets because a fruit basket enables you to mail somebody fruit without appearing insane.
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'Dude'? 'Dude, these are isotopes.'
I notice that there are no 'B' batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion. Because if there were, you wouldn't know when someone was stuttering.
One of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense.
Some authors write in first person and others write in third person. But I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: 'I heard from this guy who told somebody....'
I used to eat there all the time, but not so much anymore, not since the time I went to use their bathroom, and I saw a sign that said 'Employees Must Wash Hands, Especially Carl.'
On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind -- especially Dead Tony.
I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
I like staying in hotels because you can leave a message for somebody and you don't even need to know their name, just, like, a room number. 'Hey, can I get a pen? I just want to leave a message. My friend's in 710. Yeah, thanks.' 'Leprechaun's...
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. 'You're a dick. You deserve this. Also, I'm sorry I broke your leg -- jerk.'
I saw a sign on this door; it said, 'Exit Only.' So, I entered it and went up to the guy working there, and I was like, 'I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door over here by, like, 100%, man.'
I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
