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Some authors write in first person and others write in third person. But I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: 'I heard from this guy who told somebody....'
I used to eat there all the time, but not so much anymore, not since the time I went to use their bathroom, and I saw a sign that said 'Employees Must Wash Hands, Especially Carl.'
On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind -- especially Dead Tony.
I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
I like staying in hotels because you can leave a message for somebody and you don't even need to know their name, just, like, a room number. 'Hey, can I get a pen? I just want to leave a message. My friend's in 710. Yeah, thanks.' 'Leprechaun's...
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. 'You're a dick. You deserve this. Also, I'm sorry I broke your leg -- jerk.'
I saw a sign on this door; it said, 'Exit Only.' So, I entered it and went up to the guy working there, and I was like, 'I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door over here by, like, 100%, man.'
I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome -- that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know...
I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.
There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy -- location, location, location.
A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.
A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you.
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something, it's at least a little bit funny. 'He's dead -- but there's a cream pie right in his face. This is a little bit funny, Sergeant, I gotta admit.'
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name, Futon World. Makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.
I like to do crafts. I work with glitter quite a bit. Don't worry, I make tough stuff like daggers and skulls. The thing about glitter is, if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever 'cause glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
I think graffiti is the most passionate literature there is. It's always like, 'Bush sucks. U2 Rules.' I wanna make indifferent graffiti. 'Toy Story 2 was OK.' 'I like Gina as a friend, but I'm not sure about taking things further.' 'This is a bridge.'
I think they named oranges before they named carrots. 'What are these?' 'Those are orange: oranges.' 'What about these?' 'Oh, sh*t. Long pointies? We'll go by shape now?'
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used...
