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I was just vacationing in Amsterdam, where prostitution is legal. Let me rephrase that -- I was just vacationing in Amsterdam because prostitution is legal.
I empower my eldest daughter. I tell her to be proud of where she came from. That's why I named her Uterus, Uterus Feldman. She's named after her grandmother.
Let crack and heroin be manufactured by the pharmaceutical companies, that way nobody can afford them.
Dolphins are intelligent? If they're so intelligent, get out of the nets.
I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying, every night millions of people go to bed hungry, and every day we bury perfectly good cuts of meat.
Styrofoam is biodegradable. You people are just impatient.
I am adamantly opposed to capital punishment. Yes, many of these guys on death row have done heinous things, but when we as a people sink to their level and execute them, then we're no better than Republicans.
It's the parents' responsibility to sit your children down and teach them shame of their bodies.
If you persecute somebody just because they might look a little different, then you are no better than our country's founding fathers.
You treat my daughter with respect -- you buy her breakfast if she puts out.
My grandmother, 86 years old, just entered medical school. She's a cadaver, and she is living death to the fullest.
The average teenager watches six hours of television every day. At least with drugs, you're out -- you're singing, you're dancing. You're meeting people. You're breaking into homes. You're networking.
Trying to give my kids an education in Los Angeles is a nightmare. The guns, the gangs, the drugs -- and I'm home schooling them.
Jokes Tagged:
kids (636),
parenting (338),
city (227),
violence (219),
drugs (181),
school (117),
David Feldman (24)
President Bush wants to spend $7 billion this year to fight the drug dealers in Colombia.... But they only earn $3 billion a year. So why don't we pay them $4 billion a year not to grow the cocaine?
I was just on MTV. That was exciting, being on Music Television, the politically correct network: 'Don't smoke, don't drink and drive, don't do drugs -- now, more music from Guns N' Roses.'
I forgot how expensive this town is. Checking into the hotel this morning, I literally had to give the bellhop $10 just for taking my tip.
I would like to be able to watch the evening news with my family and not have to explain what oral sex means to my wife.
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2384),
news & politics (622),
marriage (359),
Bill Clinton (73),
David Feldman (24)
Thou shalt not commit adultery.' Now, you know no guy would have ever dreamed that one up.
Usually this is between me and my maker, but I'll share it with you -- 28% of what I'm earning tonight, I am giving to the United States government.
We live in a culture where a prostitute on the street can earn more money than a school teacher. That's disgraceful. We have to start paying prostitutes as poorly as we do school teachers.
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2384),
men/women (1725),
money (431),
work/office (326),
school (117),
David Feldman (24)
