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Some people are against porno movies, and I say, 'Hey, Ohio, Kentucky and Iran!' I say, 'Hey, whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey is their gosh darn business.'
I'm even watching gay porno now. I'm running out of straight porno. I just pretend it's two straight guys that got there really early.
You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothing to do, I end up doing what? My penis in my fish tank, alright? Now, I did it just to show them who's boss. They were getting a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubbling. He's like, 'Wha?'
Why is the Klan still having meetings? Is there any new business with the Ku Klux Klan? 'Well, we do hate everybody, right? OK, see you next week.'
They are bitter. Why? There's only one minority guy in the whole state. You go to a meeting, and they're like, 'We gotta get Eric.'
Men like looking at breasts, especially the cleavage. The cleavage! Thrusting it out at me, making me do things, making me listen to you -- it's crazy. I can't do that. I can't walk around with half a testicle hanging out, can I?
I only have one grandpa. We call him Grandpa Alive.
I travel a lot. I hate traveling, I guess 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Sparklers are the gay cousin of the firework family. I think a flashlight is more dangerous than a sparkler. My friends have M-80s, bottle rockets, sticks of dynamite -- they're blowing stuff up, having fun; I'm walking around like the Special Olympics torch boy.
What do you think of that Michael Bolton? What do you think of her -- do you like her?
I had a dream I was trapped in an elevator with Michael Bolton, Kenny G and Yanni, and I had a gun with one bullet. Now, what do you do? I blew my head off, that's what I did.
I'm in terrible shape. Oh my God, I need a nap after I fart.
I'm always afraid of getting sick 'cause I've got no health insurance, you know? I've got car insurance, but I've got no health insurance. Which sucks because whenever I get really sick, I get in my car and crash into things.
Ladies, it is amazing how you do that, with a beverage coming out of your nipple, did you know that? Guys, we can't do it. Because if we could, we'd spend the whole time squirting each other.
I used to hang out with the wrong crowd. You know what I'm talking about -- the Amish.
Sometimes you need a cigarette, though, right? Like after sex -- you want a cigarette after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
I know what women like. I know you're looking at me, thinking, 'How does he know?' I know. I know what they like: lots and lots of attention. You might call it stalking, but they love it... They'll try to fool you with a restraining order.
You know what happens when you get in a fight sometimes? You wet your pants. That's not 'cause you're scared. That's just your balls telling your legs it's time to move out.
You know what I like to do on a night like this? Sit in my apartment playing my favorite apartment game: find the smell.
Women love mystery. That's what they like: little surprises. Tonight, when you go home, add a little mystery to your relationship. When your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor. Honestly -- hear me out -- there's nothing more mysterious...
