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I want to be an alien. The movie 'Aliens' -- isn't that the best, those aliens? You don't mess with those aliens. They're bad-ass looking. They're always wet and sh*t. You don't mess with that. If I got on the subway like that, you wouldn't mess with me.
In the year 3000, everything will be instant... but the DMV will still take, like, nine f**king seconds.
You know what they should do? When you walk in the door, they should have somebody hiding just punch you in the face. 'Cause at least after, you can be like, 'Ah! Alright, well, waiting in line's not so bad after the punch in the face!'
Know what I would like to do? I'd travel back to when my mom and dad had sex to have me. And I'd just run into the bedroom, right when they're doing it, and just spank my dad on the ass: 'I'm your son from the future!'
You know what you were doing while [the priest] was doing his little peace rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church, and you're like, 'No, f**k that guy.'
Women go there to dance. They get all ready in the mirror with their friends. They're like, 'I just need to go. I just need to dance. I'm serious, tonight -- no guys. Screw guys. I just need to -- I've had a rough week, and I just need to dance it...
First job I had: Burger King. My brother got me the job; he was the manager. And you think that'd be cool, right? 'Cause he's my bro. But he was a dick. He thought he was the burger king.
I had to sneak into my living room, and we had hardwood floors. Those floors suck for cheating because every step you take just taunts you. You know, every step you're like, 'Cheeeeater!' 'Liar!' 'Herpes, herpes, herpes!'
I'm a little sore 'cause a couple of days back I got into a car accident -- not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault. 'Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80?!'
Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?
I'm going to tell you right now, please, when you use the Windex bottle, never put that s**t halfway. Always make sure it's lined up. There's no joke here. Don't do that. Bad things happen to good people. I know somebody here is gonna be like...
He sneezed. Debris. Movement. Okay, now at this point, I'm disgusted. And I'm grossed out by it. And at first, I'm thinking 'I'm going to go off on this guy'. And then I decided, 'Wait a second, Dane. Don't do that. Take the high road. Try to be...
A couple of years ago, my mom died of cancer. And if you know anything about my mom, she was the coolest. She had a great sense of humor and just a wonderful mom. You couldn't ask for somebody better. Very encouraging, a real champion of mine, and...
Comedy crowds -- we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how you're...
I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden -- boom -- you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.
I talk to that guy. I talk to that guy every f**king day. I find him to talk to him. I buy him little treats, I do. 'Hey, here's a Snickers. Take that. It satisfies. Enjoy the Snickers. Bye bye.' You know why I talk to that guy? Because when that...
I appreciate the fact that Obama is the 'tech President'. I kinda like that, isn't that kinda cool? You see him, he's on his Blackberry. I'm like 'Is he playing BrickBreaker right now?'. He does like YouTube updates. Doesn't that have to be cool?...
I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I...
There's only really been one time in my life that -- and it was recently and it actually was with a waitress -- she froze my brain. It was really interesting how she did this. She froze my brain. I've never eaten at this restaurant before and she...
I have some dreams. I wish I was a snake. I do. Did you ever wish you were a snake? Yeah, you do. I do. Every time I see snakes on TV, I'm like, 'Oh, why not me?'
