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I've never understood the concept of the gift certificate because for the same $50 bucks, [my friend] could've gotten me $50 bucks.
Nothing says 'Friday night at home alone' like a calculator watch. 'How long has it been since I've gotten laid? Let me calculate.'
You spend like a $100 grand in tuition, and you think you're done with them. Then for the rest of your life, they're calling up asking for money. No one else does that. If I see a movie, I don't get a call from the theater, like, 'We're buying a...
He's certainly not your average child molester... mostly because when you get to Michael's house, there really are rides.
My phone rings -- my home phone -- and I don't answer it. Half a second later, my cell phone goes off. It's like, what part of 'I'm masturbating' don't you get?
You want a bar where you can get some action? OK, you go to the end of the block, and you turn gay.
Last night, I had sex with my old girlfriend -- not my ex-girlfriend, mind you, my old girlfriend. She's 72, 73, something like that.
Last time I was on JetBlue, there was a dude next to me who looked a little suspicious. I was nervous. He was watching a movie, though; so I'm thinking, 'Would a hijacker watch a movie?' Probably not, right?... But you know it's a good movie if...
You New York chicks are high-maintenance... I'm not saying you're not worth it, I'm saying I ain't got it.
A nice car is attractive to a lot of women. I've found with a '96 Geo, you're not getting the top-quality booty.
Here's an example of something you never say at a job interview: 'Can I have my resume back? It's my only copy.'
He sat me down, and he's like, 'OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So anyway, I got you something from the drug store.' I'm like, 'No, I know about condoms.' He's like, 'No -- anti-depressants.'
Jokes Tagged:
men/women (1718),
dating (476),
parenting (335),
college (137),
mental health (123),
Dan Naturman (16)
If you're in a Mexican prison, you're gonna hit the books, learn some Spanish -- because shower-time is coming up, and you're gonna want to learn a few phrases, like 'Don't put that in there, please.'
When you're a doctor, you can introduce yourself to people and say, 'Hi, I'm Doctor Whatever-Your-Name-Is.' In other words, you can tell everybody what your credentials are up front, and it's not considered bragging. But nobody else can do that --...
Do you ever go to a movie, and your friend goes to the bathroom and comes back and says, 'What did I miss?' That's annoying. I'll be like, 'What did you miss? Nothing. There was a commercial. Now sit down and shut up.'
Sometimes I wonder, what would I get for my last meal? Probably Mexican food because it's my favorite food. It makes you a little gassy, but so what, you're going down in an hour -- not a big deal. And then, they'll be like, 'Any last words?'...
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