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I'd rather be a good liver than have one.
Ever hear about this feng shui? It's an ancient Chinese word which means 'Put your husband's crap in the garage.'
You know who does it for her? Antonio Banderas. I swear, this guy gets my wife horny. He gets her all wound up. I rent all his movies; he does all the work for me.
I'm as hard as Final Jeopardy.
I was circumcised by a band saw.
My mother gave me my driving instructions. I'm not such a great driver, but I can change all my clothes at a stop light.
Sense of humor? That was number two. What a crock that is! I made some women laugh tonight; I don't see you all going, 'Mmmm, oh comedy boy, oh, talk about your minivan -- you're making me moist.'
There is good news about a minivan. I'm telling you, you never get pulled over in a minivan. You could have a hooker strapped to your hood, doing Mach 5 -- the cops'll go, 'Eh, let him go. He's suffered enough, for God sakes.'
I had a dog: half-pit bull, half-poodle. Not much of a guard dog, but a vicious gossip.
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