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Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics -- I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
I went one time. It wasn't voluntary; it was pretty much court ordered. But I thought I could give back to the AA community, you know, see all those single hottie men there. I could be like a sponsor. Have them call me at two in the morning, and...
Did you hear the new phenomenon that's going on about... letting the boys decide if they want to get circumcised? It's like, OK, it shouldn't be up to the boy. It should be up to the girl, the one that's going to be f**king him in 15 years -- that should be her decision.
I don't know what it is about an English, Irish or Australian accent that makes me just wanna get undressed and high five myself.
All he ever talked about was threesomes. He's all like, 'Chelsea, you're really gonna like it. It's really popular in Europe.' I'm like, 'So is David Hasselhoff.'
We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing -- a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin -- no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.
Why don't you get me a gift? I'm still single! I don't know if you can register at a liquor store, but I would like to try.
They come over and they go, 'Why don't you come over on Friday night? We're gonna have a bunch of people over. We're gonna have game night. It's gonna be nutty.' Unless we're playing 'Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?' I'm not gonna make it, OK? 'Cause that's my favorite game.
I fall all the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.
You don't run into ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends when you're looking good and want to. Last time I ran into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid, as I'm ringing up Gas X and corn removers. And I'm like, 'Hey, you....
I got 11 vibrators for my birthday this year. Do my girlfriends think I'm at home double teaming myself?
I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I -- R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.
When I was a little girl, I was like, 'Oh my god, I'm gonna wait 'til I go to college to lose my virginity,' and all these big dreams. Then, the third grade ended up being such a nutty year -- and I'm so glad I didn't wait for college 'cause I didn't end up getting accepted anywhere.
I recently had sex with a midget. Not on purpose -- he was a tricky little f**ker. He kept giving me shot after shot after shot of tequila and would keep getting taller and taller and taller.
When you hit rock bottom, you've got to go to AA. They make it sound so dirty. Please, I've hit rock bottom dozens of times. I've woken up next to a billy goat. You don't just give up.
Isn't that just being a whore? You don't need to join a club. Close your legs, sister.
Jokes Tagged:
sex (2384),
men/women (1724),
insults (1624),
mental health (124),
Chelsea Handler (28)
I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
Having a baby is a huge responsibility. It's like a five-year commitment.
I went out with a guy the other night. He goes, 'You know, Chelsea, you don't have to drink to make yourself more fun to be around.' I'm like, 'Listen, f**knut, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.'
Then you gotta get into the whole lesbian scene, you know, and go buy hiking boots and a truck. And then, who pays for sh*t? I guess the guy who's watching, but what if he's not there? What if he can't make it?
