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The problem with marriage is it involves men and women.
Religion is basically guilt with different holidays.
What is it with guys and their eyebrows? He looks like a mad scientist. He goes to sleep; he wakes up -- 'Ew, Dad, did you take a nap or did you invent something?'
I had to go back to New York recently for a family reunion. I hate those things. I walk in there, I look at everyone, and I think: 'I'm getting my tubes tied. That's it. The tree ends here.'
I'm 36, I'm not married -- I give up. I was just at my cousin's wedding. I caught the bouquet. I just took it home and repotted it.
When my mother's driving along a road, and there's a sign that says the road curves to the left, she signals that way, just to let us know she's going there and not into the brick wall that's ahead of us.
My father drives so slowly. When deer see my father's car approaching, they linger.
If you don't know what a mammogram is, it is not a woman with big breasts who works for Western Union.
I had to go to my nephew's bris. If you don't know what a bris is, I'll explain it to you. It's when a little boy gets circumcised and all the friends and the relatives get together. What a festive event. I think this is rather inappropriate. I...
Barbie had all of these great accessories. She came with a Dream House. Tammy came with a straight razor with band-aids to cover the cuts on her legs -- what a loser.
My mother never encouraged me to have creative costumes on Halloween. It'd be such an important day to me. I said, 'Ma, what should I be this year?' 'Be a ghost again.' What -- do you have to get rid of another old sheet? And it wasn't even a white sheet, it was a print sheet.
All religions are alike. My best friend is Lutheran, and she was telling me that when Jesus was born, the three wise men came to visit him, and they brought as gifts: gold, frankincense and myrrh. Myrrh? To a baby shower? I guess Mary was very...
I'd like to die while making love -- that'd be great -- but after the orgasm. It'd be terrible to die before the orgasm. I'd be up in heaven; people would be pointing at me: 'She looks so tense. Someone should send her back for, like, an hour.'
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