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I was reading a Fig Newtons label -- I've always liked them, and I was trying to see if it was OK to eat them. Everything looked pretty good, the fat content and everything. So, I'm thinking I could eat these. I looked at the serving size: two...
I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.
I thought yoga was easy -- I went out and I bought a yoga video tape. I bought the beginners' yoga tape. I couldn't do anything on the whole hour -- nothing -- just fast forwarding: can't do that, can't do that -- I know I can't do that. This...
I have a friend who swears by food combinations -- have you heard of this nonsense? She's nuts. She's like, 'You know what? You should eat food combinations, and that way you can eat whatever you want. It's just the combinations of how you put the...
I go in for the eye test, and I don't know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don't want to get no 'D' on that thing and end up with these big thick Coke bottle glasses.
Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? I'm not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldn't say that. I don't give myself enough credit. I know enough English to, you know, get by. I can order in restaurants and stuff.
They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult? 'You don't know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.' I don't think we're honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.
You ever say a phrase you say all the time at the wrong time, feel like a complete idiot? Something like, 'You, too. You, too.' I was getting out of the cab at the airport, and the driver goes, 'Hey, have a nice flight.' 'You, too. You, too. You have a nice flight, too -- in case you ever fly some day.'
I've got to lay off the dairy. That's what my doctor threw in as I was leaving his office: 'Oh, and lay off dairy!' I'm like, what the? What kind of blanket sweep is that? 'Lay off dairy!' He should have just said, 'And no more happiness!'
You can microwave a Pop Tart. That just blew me away that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop Tart? A minute and a half if you want it dark? People don't have that kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap-fry your Pop Tarts...
I go over to this other area where there's nobody around, and I got into this one thing, but I got into it wrong, apparently. I don't know where your arms and legs are supposed to go, so I just get in there and I just start moving stuff. This guy...
What were you thinking right before you hit the ground, Evel? What were you thinking?' I remember thinking: 'Hey, did I turn off the iron?' Then, my leg cracked in half. Then I was thinking: 'Hey, maybe I should get a puppy?'
The hard part was being the kid that got sent in first to calm Mom down before you dragged in the actual banged up brother. So you'd have to run in, 'Hey, Mom, everything's fine. I just wanted to run in at full speed and say hi. And OK, so, you...
They have the x-ray area. I don't mind going through it, but I get tired of the businessmen who make way too big a deal out of their computers. 'Excuse me, I have a computer. I have a computer here. I don't know how you're going to handle this --...
You know what's fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 'Just Because' cards. They can't even ask you why you did it.
You watch a fishing show. At the end, they roll credits. There's 90 people involved with these two guys fishing! What the hell are they all doing? And one of the credits is 'film editor.' This poor guy, he's got to watch all the footage that's not exciting enough to make it into the final product.
Jokes Tagged:
pop culture (770),
sports (623),
work/office (325),
blue collar (282),
Brian Regan (21)
It's the competition that I think is weird. They're not lifting weights. It's like, 'Alright, Kalkrovich, we fill these grand pianos with molten lead. See how many you can hurl in that third story window in 30 seconds.'
I eat like a kid. I like Chef Boyardee, the ravioli. But they have some stuff I've never seen in the real Italian food world. You ever been in a nice Italian restaurant: 'Hi, how are you? Like to start with a nice bottle of Chianti and a couple of...
My eye doctor told me this, I'm not making this up. He goes, 'You know you have one eye set a little bit higher than your other eye?' 'No, I didn't know that.' He goes, 'It's no big deal; it doesn't affect your vision or anything. I just thought you might want to be self-conscious for the rest of your life.'
They have a section called, 'New Baby.' I don't think you need the word 'new.' They'd have to clear up confusion. 'Do you have an Old Baby section? 'Cause my friend's had a baby, and I let time get away from me, and he's 12.'
