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My wife told me today that I'm gonna become a father for the very first time. The bad news is -- we already have two kids.
Now what I don't get are these people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll. Are you trying to quit?
Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, 'Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.' We laughed about it. My wife said, 'Don't make the same mistakes I did.'
When she was pregnant, she would get these cravings in the middle of the night. She would get these cravings for other men.
I'm not too crazy about my relatives. I love my immediate family. But don't you look at your relatives, and you can't believe you're actually related to these people? I give blood four times a year just so I'm less and less related to these people.
I went hunting for the first time. I shot an elk. I felt really bad at first, but the guy was wearing a plaid leisure suit.
When I was in high school, I was in the French club. We didn't really do anything. Every once in a while, we'd surrender to the German club.
I didn't do too well in college. The only class I did well in was psychology. My term paper on dreams was actually published. Do you read Penthouse? I was the guy named JoJo.
I was tucking my son in last night, and he tells me that he hates his teacher. She's 'an idiot' and she's 'out to get him,' which is the last thing you want to hear when your kid's home schooled.
When I was in junior high, we moved to the suburbs to a neighborhood that was not very tough at all. Even our school bully was only passive-aggressive. He wouldn't take your lunch; he'd just go, 'You're gonna eat all that?'
In kindergarten, he had a little crush on his kindergarten teacher, which I think is normal. I think for just about everybody, at some point in your life, there's one teacher you had a secret crush on. For me, it's my wife's aerobic teacher.
Now that I'm a dad, I'll call my dad, ask for advice. He always says the same thing, 'How'd you get this number?'
From time to time, my mother puts on her wedding dress. Not because she's sentimental, she just gets really far behind on her laundry.
You can tell I've been married for a while. Went to the doctor's last week, he said, 'Have you had sex in the last seven days?' And I said, 'No, my birthday's in April.'
She admitted to me recently that when she first met me, she didn't really like me very much. But luckily for me, she really wanted to stay in this country.
My wife travels a lot with her job. She's, uh, a drug mule. They are always on the go.
It's been a big year for my eight-year-old. Two months ago, he made his first confession. Took the cops four hours to break him. He's got some willpower.
Jokes Tagged:
kids (630),
religion (507),
parenting (335),
laws (214),
police business (72),
Brian Kiley (24)
The other day, my little boy talked back to my wife. She told him to do something; he said, 'No, I don't want to.' So, I had to pull him aside and say, 'Listen -- you gotta teach me how to do that.'
We picked out kinda old fashioned names for our kids. Our little boy is Hunter, and our little girl is Gatherer.
When I was a kid, I had this one aunt who used to always call me by my brother's name -- I mean, a million times, every time I saw her. Finally, I just snapped. I said, 'You are the biggest simpleton idiot pinhead I've ever met.' She got all upset, called my parents, told on me. My brother got screwed.
