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I'm not sure if I want someone shooting lasers in my eyes at this point, but as soon as I can get the surgery where lasers shoot out of my eyes, I'm first in line that day.
You ever had a friend that's only seen 'Star Wars' one time and they're OK with it? Or they've only been to Disneyland once, they're like, 'Yeah, I went when I was 10. I don't need to go again.' Those are the same people I have sex with. I'm like,...
Every time I have sex with a woman, I'm convinced she's trying to distract me while someone steals my car. And then you realize, 'Oh nobody wants a Suzuki Samurai that bad. It's my lucky day. I should be enjoying my sex.'
Every once in a while, I'll be walking around, going, 'Look at me! My clothes are kind of baggy. Maybe I am losing weight.' Turns out -- just laundry time. Maybe I shouldn't wear the same jeans six days in a row.
It's kind of hard losing weight, though, when every time you see a sign that says, 'World's Best Donut,' you take it as a personal challenge. You're like, 'I'll see about that. Oh, you're right, this is a good donut. I'll take seven dozen and a diet coke.'
I've got a wedding I've got to go to next week, and I was trying to lose six pounds by the weekend. I don't think I'm going to do it, so I'm going to get my back waxed, and then, I'll only have to lose two.
Jokes Tagged:
men/women (1718),
gross-out (686),
lookin' good (489),
weight/obesity (342),
Boris Hamilton (6)
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