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Do you ever eat chips and dip? That's like crack, isn't it? One bite and you're totally hooked.
The minute they put the nachos on the table, everybody becomes an enemy because there's all different kinds of nachos. Do you ever see those naked ones around the perimeter? Then, there's that one big Powerball nacho that somehow is connected to...
Do you ever notice from the time you hang up the phone until the pizza guy shows up, the only conversation you have is 'Where in the hell is our pizza?'
Do you ever get the waiter who wants to tell you his name? I don't want to know your name. I've got stuff to do. I mean, I'm a really nice guy, but I already have friends. If you're going to Applebee's to make friends with the wait staff, you've got a whole bunch of other problems.
There's no relationship here, Travis. I tell you what I want: you go get it; I give you some money; then, you go away -- like a food hooker.
I thought I'd like this thing because I like meat. Three days into it, I had eaten so much meat, I was perusing the neighborhood at four in the morning looking for cats and stuff. My heart was beating a million miles a minute. I've got bacon fat...
Do you ever see your nana reach in for the good nacho with her nana hand? And in your head you think, 'You son of a bitch.' You don't think, 'Oh golly gosh, Nana. You're a rascal.' No, you think, 'Nana is a son of a bitch.' You don't say it, but...
The first thing I do after we order the pizza, I take off all my clothes. That way I don't have to answer the door when the pizza guy shows up.
There are people starving to death all around the world, people waiting for a bag of flour to fall out of a helicopter. I'm sitting on the couch, scratching my nuts, going, 'This is ridiculous. You know how many beers I've had to drink while I wait for this kid to show up?'
I only made it 11 days. I had to quit. I was backed up like the mall parking lot at Christmas time.
There's a woman in front of me -- she's a little bit big. And I don't want to make fun of people's weight because we all have good years and our bad years. And she, apparently, had many bad years in a row, because she put that little rubber mat under her ass, it looked like a dish sponge.
You know what's great about being married? When dessert comes, you just shove it in your pie hole and you move on to the Promised Land. You just look at each other -- we're going to get fat and we're still going to have sex.
I walked up the stairs, and I remember thinking, 'I am the man. I am a drinker.' And I walked by the bathroom at the top of the stairs, and the toilet looked at me, and I looked at the toilet, and I said, 'I got away with it.' And the toilet said, 'No you didn't. Get over here and pray to me, bitch.'
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