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For years and years, Arj Barker was high on life, but eventually, I built up a tolerance.
He said, 'Arj, if you're having trouble with www.arjbarker.com, don't call me. You consult the Webmaster.' I said, 'Fine.' So, I called Spiderman.
You know the little camel on the pack of cigarettes? They just found out that's not even a camel. It's actually a horse with a big, old tumor growing out of its mouth.
I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad -- say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea -- it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise:...
I just got a car, and I gotta say, this car is very cryptic. The very first day I drove it, a light came on out of nowhere: 'Check engine.' Could they be any more vague? What if a light came on and said, 'Problem'?
Anybody see 'Cop Land'? I went to go see it, but I got stoned in the parking lot. And then on the way in, I read the marquee, and I got paranoid and went home.
I was actually in my car today, and I was just driving, and I noticed a guy on the sidewalk holding a cardboard sign that said, 'Where will you spend eternity?'. And that kind of freaked me out because I was on my way to the DMV.
Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets -- unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel. Then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.
I'm thinking of switching banks, and my friend said, 'Well, what's wrong with Citibank?' Well, they can't spell 'city.' I hope their math is better than their English is.
Can you imagine if you had a pair of shoes that you could only walk in? That could be kind of limiting under certain circumstances. 'Everybody get outta here! There's a swarm of bees coming!' What? Oh great, I got my walking shoes on today. I guess I better stroll the hell out of here at a moderate pace.
I only have, like, three really good friends, and they get worse every year. And it's gotten to the point where I think they'd rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. I'm like, 'Alright, but really, where's the loyalty, man?...
I had to buy a new printer the other day. The printer I wanted was like $200, but for some reason, I figured out that if I bought a printer/copier/scanner/faxer/coffee maker/clay oven/tennis racquet restringer, it's like $8.95. And I had to ask...
Is it weird being a twin city? Do you sometimes know exactly what the other city's thinking?
My general rule of thumb is, once something's a ride at Disneyland, I assume that it is no longer a threat in real life. Which is why I don't expect to get attacked by a giant tea cup anytime soon.
She said I was moving too fast... I think it was a nice gesture to give her flowers on the first date. Perhaps the 'Bless This Family' plaque could have waited.
They got a restaurant called Hungry Jack's, but I didn't feel comfortable eating there. How good could it be? The guy who owns the restaurant is hungry. If it was called Fat Happy F**king Well-Contented Jack's, I'd eat there. But I wouldn't bring...
I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.
I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoeseum?
All I knew about Ireland before I went there was what I learned from watching soap commercials all my life. I was totally misinformed. I thought it was an Irish tradition where you don't even take a shower with your soap -- you take your soap for...
I read this on the Internet -- did you know that 4th of July is more popular in this country than in any other country in the whole world?
