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If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'
My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.
The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.
Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.
You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, 'Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?' 'Just to piss you off, that's why! I got...
Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.
The girls are beautiful in Hollywood -- and enough silicon to caulk a sink.
There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.
I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.
I don't think it's fair -- you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. 'Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it.'
One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, 'Oh, I found me a hobby.'
I love that magazine, man -- Victoria's Secret -- and it comes, like, every three hours.
That's the perfect microcosm for men and women: it takes a million sperm to find one egg 'cause they're all males and not one of them is gonna pull over and ask directions.
If she gets a hot flash and walks into a cold room, she can make it rain.
The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.
I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, 'Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!' Pop opens one eye, he's...
My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you -- I hope she meets somebody nice.
I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.
I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie -- just a quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'
I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good -- stop.'
