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New York is a funny place. I was at the coffee shop last week, and I'm paying the cashier for my cup of coffee, and the other girl got sprayed by the espresso machine with the hot milk. And her shirt was burning her, and so she just ripped it off....
I love it out here, 'cause you guys have personality. There's a lot of character; there's energy out here. I live in L.A., and you can't even say 'Hi' to people in L.A. -- people can't handle that. Here, it's cool, you can say whatever you want....
People in Brooklyn wear their hearts on their sleeves. 'Excuse me, sir, I'm lost.' 'Glad I'm not you!'
You give me a tree that can live off glass, cigarette butts and pebbles -- that's a real tree. No this 'I need sunshine' crap, no way. Our trees come up -- the branches are in the shape of middle fingers.
I'm from New York, so I thought everybody had Tourette's.
There are 10 million stories in Big Town, 8 million people -- somebody's lying.
L.A. is a very confusing place, only place I know where you can have, simultaneously, a drought and a flood. Every time you watch the weatherman, he goes, 'Rained all day, didn't help the drought. Back to you, Tom.' I got news for you, folks. If water doesn't solve your drought, you're screwed.
And why are they coming so early? They're picking up garbage -- it's not going to go bad again.
- John Mulaney - Subway Station Chase(2:57)
- John Mulaney
- A woman runs from John in a subway station because in her eyes, he's an adult.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), John Mulaney (6), city (3)
It gives me a solution to this whole inner city gang problem that we seem to be having. I just got to get some people behind me, right? I think we need about 20 or 25 grandmothers, give them all belts and do one big drive-by whupping on these kids.
Homeless people here are different. You ever notice that? Our homeless people are serious, man. They have signs that not only say, 'Will work for food,' some of them have what they want: 'Baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet potato pie, sour chives.'
I've tried this online dating thing, and it's so weird. The worst thing about online dating is everybody puts the same hobbies down. You know what the most popular hobby in New York City is? Hiking and biking. We live in New York -- where the f**k...
If you see a terrorist on a train about to blow themselves up, you have to go up to them and say, 'Hey! Stop it.'
I was reading this article that said you have to be more diligent, keep an eye out for suspicious people. Yeah, that might work in Minnesota, but I live in New York. What's suspicious in New York? Have you ever seen anything suspicious in New...
I didn't know what they were. I turned it on, some woman's reading off sins -- I thought they were things to do in town.
Now that I live there, I actually find that I'm around the people that I can't stand to be around the most, which are these elitist people. You know, hipster people that have an opinion on, like, everything that you should wear and all the cool...
I was thinking, one of the things that we have in common in Los Angeles and New York is that in either place, you can look at a beautiful girl and you have to think to yourself, 'Maybe that's a dude.' You don't get that in Missouri -- that's big city stuff.
Cops on horses? What's going on? Is there a lot of illegal jousting going on in the city?
This is a poem I wrote about my experience here in Las Vegas. It's called, 'Where the F**k is the ATM Machine?' Poker, four in the morning, biggest pot of the night, couldn't fold. / I was gonna win that hand. I had a jack high. Decided to bluff...
The girls are beautiful in Hollywood -- and enough silicon to caulk a sink.
