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- Ty Barnett
- Ty realized for the first time that being black was going to be an issue when the doctor slapped him...twice... and made him cut his own umbilical cord! With his ability to put a funny and unique spin on topics such as race: " We should...Read on
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Certain names you gotta do something with your life. Like Preston -- you can't be homeless and named Preston. I think the government set aside money for you.
I'm from Chicago, but I pay child support in Seattle. I'm just kidding -- I don't pay child support.
I tell people, 'Yeah, I'm from Chicago -- what's up?' 'Gasp! What street gang were you in?' I'm like, 'What the hell make you think I got that kind of dedication and team spirit?'
If I'm making millions to put a ball through a hoop, you can't ever piss me off.
It's just like the movie, 'Sideways' -- they'll drive to the vineyard, drink and drive, and there were no cops anywhere. I'm like, 'That's how you get away with it? I gotta try that in Chicago.' 'You been drinking tonight, sir?' 'No, just tasting. I got some cheese and crackers in the back.'
I saw a commercial the other day for a girdle. And you know what that is, right? That's deception, ladies. These are the same women that get mad when guys lie to them. 'I thought you were single.' 'I thought you were slim.'
Ladies, my whole point is do not -- do not -- feel like you gotta do these tricks for us. Don't -- 'cause the average guy does not care. Do we? No, we don't. As long as the hole is safe and clean -- seriously.
I saw a report on CNN, and the report said the killer bees are coming -- the killer bees! But these were killer bees 'cause they were 'Africanized.' What are these -- hip hop bees?
Now that I'm grown, I'm scared 'cause I'm thinking Lois is gonna get half of those powers when they get divorced. And you can't be Superman then, you know. It's like, 'Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound -- every other weekend.'
I saw the commercial for herpes medication. First of all, I know commercials are getting ridiculous, but the thing that tripped me out about this commercial was not how they made it look like your life get a whole lot better after herpes -- you...
Being paranoid will save your life -- 'cause that's the difference between hooking up with the first thing you see, or saying, 'Hey, that may not be a beauty mark on your lip. And, if it is, it looks like you've got another one coming in.'
The only thing I won't get mad at the president about is gas prices. I'm actually cool with that. Matter of fact, I want them to go higher. Because the higher they go, certain things change: drive-by shootings go way down.
Jokes Tagged:
news & politics (616),
money (431),
driving (241),
George W. Bush (117),
Ty Barnett (12)
- Ty Barnett - Labels Everywhere(2:58)
- Ty Barnett
- Ty proposes a solution to racism.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), men/women (1003), ethnic (814), stereotypes (431), lookin' good (369), racism (195), Ty Barnett (10)
- Ty Barnett - Street Gang(1:22)
- Ty Barnett
- Ty is from Chicago, but he pays child support in Seattle.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), kids (841), ethnic (814), stereotypes (431), Los Angeles (240), Chicago (46), gangs (23), Ty Barnett (10)
- Ty Barnett - Didn't Know It Was Possible(2:03)
- Ty Barnett
- Steven Spielberg should be president.
- Videos Tagged: George W. Bush (2037), Comedy Central Presents (1821), media (651), oil (151), security (137), Hurricane Katrina (91), natural disasters (40), extraterrestrials (21), Steven Spielberg (17), Ty Barnett (10)
- Ty Barnett - Beauty Tricks(2:37)
- Ty Barnett
- Women who wear girdles are deceptive.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), men/women (1003), money (865), alcohol (496), lookin' good (369), friends (312), fashion (230), lying (38), Ty Barnett (10)
- Ty Barnett - New Birth Control(3:25)
- Ty Barnett
- There should be restrictions on who can breed.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), sex (1283), men/women (1003), kids (841), parents (525), school (258), education (245), birth control (37), Ty Barnett (10)
- Ty Barnett - Superman Dating(2:32)
- Ty Barnett
- No one will want to date Lois Lane after she breaks up with Superman.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), kids (841), dating (656), TV (543), growing up (453), divorce (37), Superman (20), super powers (14), Ty Barnett (10)
- Ty Barnett - Herpes Commercial(2:39)
- Ty Barnett
- Commercials make it seem like life begins with herpes.
- Videos Tagged: sex (1283), men/women (1003), health (976), kids (841), Premium Blend (750), TV (543), advertising (289), AIDS (57), STDs (27), Ty Barnett (10)
- Ty Barnett - The Last Buffet(2:07)
- Ty Barnett
- They don't let nerds into heaven.
- Videos Tagged: Comedy Central Presents (1821), religion (776), family (667), sports (631), weight/obesity (302), fights (123), basketball (96), Chicago (46), tattoos (21), Heaven (18), Ty Barnett (10)
