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We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons -- let's find it!
Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If...
I've been spending a lot of time in casinos because, apparently, I have a gambling problem. But I have learned something important to pass on to you about how to deal with casinos when you're there. Go get $100 in quarters when you arrive. Then,...
I believe that every paper in the country should have one headline that when you read it, you laugh so hard you can't stand it. It has to be that way. What about a headline like this: 'Hippo Eats Dwarf'? How good is that? You read that headline,...
We came up with Earth Day so we would have one day every year that would remind us what planet we were living on.
As soon as he misspelled that word, if the Secret Service had any brains, they would have rushed him, thrown him to the ground and said, 'The vice president's been shot.'
What does the word 'meteorologist' mean in English? It means liar.
He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.
The great part about Crisco is you never get burnt because, when you start to sizzle, you move your ass.
Oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it's harder than curling, and if you're good at it, you deserve a medal.
What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows; a Republican sucks.
I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate...
I'm thrilled that the American people stopped him from running this time. As a citizen, I'm happy about that, but as a comic, I weep.
I cannot believe the American people listened to H. Ross Perot. You don't listen to a guy who looks like the kid in 'Deliverance' all grown up.
In my life time, I went from an Eisenhower to a George W. Bush. I went from a John Kennedy to an Albert Gore. Now, if that is evolution, then I believe in about 12 years, we're gonna be voting for plants.
If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow and, inevitably, you're going to be seated in front of some guy who's playing with himself, and he'll be singing, 'Happy...
There are packs of baboons running around Africa that take better care of themselves than we do. You know what health insurance is for me? I've got Band-Aids in my car.
He said the reason the economy was bad was because people like you and I weren't buying enough cars and houses. So, I sent him a letter. I said, 'Send me a check -- I'll buy anything.'
The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason -- all of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
